Setting aside the fact that KISS is the most merchandised band in history, and we love them to death for their shameless commercialization, it would actually sound more rock-and-roll for KISS and Mötley Crüe to route their summer mega-tour through the nation's Hot Topics than through rooms with cuddly names like the Comfort Dental Amphitheatre or the 1-800-ASK-GARY Amphitheatre.
The Mötley Crüe/KISS co-headlining itinerary—which includes an Aug. 18 stop at Auburn's modestly named White River Amphitheatre—makes the Tacoma Dome sound so boss by comparison. Here's a look at the "best" venues, in chronological order:
Jiffy Lube Live, Bristow, Va., July 20. Boy, I would like to be a fly on the wall of Tommy Lee's bus when he finds out he's playing a place called Jiffy Lube Live.
Farm Bureau Live at Virginia Beach, Virginia Beach, Va., July 21. Nothing says rock like the Farm Bureau.
Verizon Wireless Amphitheatre(s) in Charlotte, N.C., July 25; Irvine, Calif., Aug. 16; and Maryland Heights, Md., Aug. 27. Yes, there are three Verizon Amphitheatres in three different states on the Mötley/KISS tour.
1-800-ASK-GARY Amphitheatre, Tampa, Fla., July 28: I really don't know where to start here. I called Gary to ask for clarification, but the number—which makes doctor and lawyer recommendations—doesn't work from our area.
Hard Rock Casino Presents The Pavilion, Albuquerque, N.M., Aug. 7: Hey, guys! Wanna pile into my Chevy and head down to the Hard Rock Casino Presents The Pavilion!?!?!
Comfort Dental Amphitheatre, Englewood, Colo., Aug. 8: I understand that the target audience for amphitheater tours like this is getting old, but damn. What's next, the Depends Arena?
Ashley Furniture HomeStore Pavilion, Phoenix, Aug. 10: So many memories.
Sleep Train Pavilion at Concord, Concord, Calif., Aug. 16: I know a lot of folks are going to want to jump right into the sack after this show, but sleeping will be the last thing on their minds.
Sleep Country Amphitheater, Ridgefield, Wash., Aug. 19: Why see a rock show anywhere else?
First Midwest Bank Amphitheatre, Tinley Park, Ill., Sept. 7: The thing is, this is even a bad name for a bank.
Blossom Music Center, Cleveland, Sept. 12: Though I guess this leaves open opportunities for plenty of jokes about who's going to deflower Blossom first.