Keeper of the Kink

Dear Dategirl,

After a long illness, my dad died six months ago. My mom is coping, but wants to downsize, so she asked me and my brother to help her clear out the family home. I thought the most painful part would be dismantling my old room, but getting rid of my old Barbies was nothing compared to what we found in my dad's study. Gauging from the porn he left behind, he may have been at least bisexual, if not gay. He definitely had a kinky side. Most of this stuff was easily deleted from his computer, but there were toys and other items as well. There was some evidence of cross-dressing too.

My brother has never been very mature and finds this hilarious. He wants to tell our mom. I think our mother knew something was off, because she's exhibited no interest in this room at all. While she's a spry and well-educated 74, I don't think she needs this image burned into her brain like it's now burned into mine. I've already boxed everything up and put it in my trunk (I don't want to risk my mom finding it in the trash). But my brother thinks our mom would get a kick out of it. What do you think?

—Wish I Didn't Know

Beavis needs to settle down and STFU. If your mom wanted to know what her husband was getting it up to in his study, she would've investigated decades ago. In fact, I'm betting she did—and that's why she entrusted you guys with packing it up. True, it would've been a better idea to have called one of your dad's friends or maybe his brother to dispose of the porn, nipple clamps, and granny panties, but maybe that wasn't possible.

Your dad was a dude before he was anyone's husband or father. Try not to vomit at this next part, but just like you and your retarded brother, he was a sexual being. He just happened to have some quirks. And not that it matters, but an interest in gay/bi porn doesn't necessarily mean he was anything more than curious.

When adults go back to their childhood homes, sometimes they regress into their childhood personalities. Not to mention that different people process grief differently. I'm thinking of a friend who chased her sister around with their mom's vibrator after uncovering it in a similar situation to yours. Hopefully your brother will snap out of it before you're forced to give him a noogie.

Look, we all have weird shit laying around. Even if I were already dead, I'd die 10 more times if anyone in my family ever stumbled across my Polaroid collection. Let this be a learning experience for you, and assign a keeper of the kink. Let this trusted person know where you keep your dildos, handcuffs, and assorted filth, and tell them that should the worst happen, it's their job to sanitize your life before family is let in to go through your stuff. You don't want that brother of yours making a necklace out of your anal beads.

dategirl@seattleweekly.com

 
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