Two-Pump Chumps

Dear Dategirl,

I just want to say I am really tired of dealing with men who suffer from premature ejaculation. Seriously. WTF? CALM DOWN. Please don't use my name, or it will somehow find its way back to the premature ejaculators in question, but what the hell is up with that? I'm a horny guy too, but I can contain myself for a few minutes. I guess I shouldn't complain too much, because let's face it: Short bursts of sex are better than no sex. But I'm getting a little depressed AND frustrated.

—Frustrated Fucker

One of the best things about casual sex is that none of your normal boring rules apply. You don't have to worry that he says "ax" instead of "ask" and/or might possibly be young enough to be your offspring, because your friends are never going to meet him. You can feel free to let your freakiest flag fly because you're not going to have to discuss that thing over breakfast—because he won't be there. Your biggest priority is that you get yours: With sex with a stranger, it's all about you.

The worst thing about casual sex: when they beat you to the punch and it's all about them.

If I had any inkling you were talking about a long-term relationship here, I'd call in my panel of experts and ask them for helpful tips on dealing with the two-pump chump. There are methods, but a one- or two-night fling isn't worth the effort. When a randy Kurd's wang exploded all over my knee-length down jacket during a long-ago, outdoor, dead-of-winter make-out, my friend Rich remarked that I must be a helluva kisser. Faced with an embarrassing conversation with my dry cleaner, I hadn't considered this glass-half-full take on the situation. But I suggest you do the same and pat yourself on the back for being so wildly attractive you make men's scrotums go off half-cocked.

But in the interest of being servicey, I have a couple of suggestions. The stop-and-start method can be effective, though that's a little difficult when you don't know the man well enough to read his come cues. Hitting pause might also be frustrating for you. The finger-grip method might raise his hackles because it basically entails a big pinch to the dick, which could be alarming coming from a stranger. Extra-thick condoms with desensitizing lube should work, though depending on where you're making sweet action, you might end up with novocaine mouth.

The easiest thing to do is suggest a pregame show. If he shoots one into his hand—or yours, or a wad of tissues—before you get hot and heavy, the next one will take him longer. You could frame it as a who-can-shoot-farthest competition, or just summon your inner Barry White (aka your sexy voice) and offer a quick hand job before the main event.

The most reliable method is skewing older with your man candy. Once a gentleman is of a certain age, he's usually not so quick on the trigger. Of course, old dudes come with their own problems. But for that, there's always the little blue pill.

dategirl@seattleweekly.com

 
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