Ladies, Shut This Shit Down

Dear Dategirl, Recently a married friend had a small breakdown while we were chatting online. He was maudlin and drunk, and I was trying to joke with him and get him in a better mood. He was too drunk to really be reached, and kept changing the subject back to how attracted he was to me. Then he admitted he'd had a bunch of affairs. He passed out without signing out, and his wife saw our conversation—including my advice that he not mention any of his comments to her. Though I never encouraged his flirting, I think our conversation may have been the ruin of their marriage, because they're separated now. I know it's not because of me—it's because he cheated on her—but I can't help but feel responsible. This isn't the first time I've been somehow involved in someone's breakup in this way. Some male friend is chatting with me, admits attraction, I don't respond in the proper way, and the next thing I know my friend is now single or has been forbidden to ever speak to me again. I'm clearly doing something wrong. How can I keep this from happening again? —Homewrecker Honey, you need to pick your friends more wisely. Any guy whose friendship with you is based on the slim possibility that some way, some day, you might actually let him slide his ween up your honey trail is not actually a friend—he's just a horndog lying in wait. And yes, I realize that given the right circumstances, most guys would fuck their female buddies, but this is different. I'm talking about a guy who cultivates a friendship with you solely because you're a young, cute woman he hopes someday to fuck. Here is a handy guide to telling which guys are just biding their time to do you: • Is he always offering you booze? I don't mean just being polite, I mean actively trying to intoxicate you. • Does he spend a lot of time complaining about his girlfriend or wife? • Does he get snippy when you pay attention to another guy or try to discuss your boyfriend? • When he hugs you, is there wood? If he does any of these, he's probably just waiting to bang you. Proceed with caution. I once had a close guy friend announce (just a week before his wedding) that he was marrying the wrong woman—he should've been marrying me. What the fuck am I supposed to do with that information? I'm sure he felt like he was giving me a big compliment, but instead of being flattered, I was disgusted, furious, and told him to fuck off. That probably wasn't the most mature reaction, but I hadn't had a date in a year, and the first person to express any interest in me in was a buddy on the verge of marrying someone I really liked!? No, thanks. Coupled people always think single people are leading wild, fun-packed, nonstop-orgy-type lives. They also tend to romanticize their past single life. Hitting on you is their lunkheaded way of recapturing that feeling. (Conveniently forgetting all the lonely nights, STD scares, and celibate stretches.) Since these idiots can't be trusted to do the right thing, it's up to us ladies to shut this shit down. Unfortunately, a lot of women (myself included) were taught to be polite and worry about other people's feelings. And I mean, after all—these dudes are complimenting you! Is laying down the law and telling them to STFU really the right thing to do? In short: YES. A simple "SHUT UP" should suffice. If it doesn't, repeat as needed and add a "FUCK OFF" if warranted. You should also attempt to befriend the wives or girlfriends. Believe me—if these jokers think there's a chance you're going to tattle, they'll be less likely to bust a move. dategirl@seattleweekly.com

 
comments powered by Disqus