Fore Shame: Why Do Women Hate the Turtleneck in My Trousers?

Dear Dategirl, I'm 30 and I've never had a lot of problems getting dates, but when it comes time to pull the trigger I sometimes get a little gun-shy. It's because I was born in Europe, and I'm not Jewish, so I'm au naturel. Yes, I have a foreskin. This little bit of extra flesh was never a problem until I moved to America, the land of the squeamish. Some women are repulsed by it, while some find it a novelty. I almost always get the inevitable question about smegma, and one girl even told me she heard she could get cervical cancer from foreskin. The last three women I've been in relationships with have "suggested" I do something about it. "Doing something" would involve surgery . . . ON MY PENIS. It's not like trimming my pubic hair (I've done that after a few requests). Normally I would never even consider this, and I guess I'm still not seriously thinking about it, but is this what I have to look forward to: women who'll only grudgingly handle my package, all the while looking like they're going to vomit all over my rod and tackle? What is wrong with you people? —Wood With a Hood Because three women in a row gave your trouser snake the stink-eye, I'm going to forgive you your "you people" comment. Who was that geared toward, anyway? Americans? Women in general? Let me assure you—we're not all like that. How old are these ladies you're dating? Are they virgins? You need to start going out with worldlier, slightly sluttier, types. I can only imagine a girl who suggests you carve up your pecker is a high-maintenance shrew who freaks out over errant body hairs and smells like a spendier version of those nasty stick-up room deodorizers. She probably douches regularly. In short, a woman whose vagina smells like a pine tree isn't the kind of person you should be wasting your thick Euro-cock on. Since I could spread my legs, I've been a fervent fucker of foreigners, and even currently live with one, though he sounds more Brooklyn than Athens. So I am well acquainted with the sausage sleeve. To all you ladies clutching your pearls at the thought of a little shar pei action, imagine if some dude wanted you to surgically mangle your labia, because he felt they should be bigger or smaller or floppier or whatever. The girls who got all shitty about your dick should be ashamed of themselves. Pretty soon, foreskins are going to be less of an anomaly on this side of the Atlantic, anyway. According to the CDC, circumcision rates were down from 56% in 2006 to 32.5% in 2009. While you can't "catch" cancer from anyone's cock, there have been studies saying that circumcision cuts cervical cancer rates. However, I'm assuming that since you're just fucking around, you're using a condom anyway. As for smegma, as long as you keep your junk free of spunk, that's a non-issue. So no: Unless it's causing you pain, you shouldn't even consider removing your foreskin. Aside from possibly costing you sensitivity, along with the usual risks associated with any sort of surgery, comes the shrinkage issue. Have you ever seen a demonstration by one of those anti-circumcision activists? I'm on their side, but they can be pretty wacko—these dudes inevitably travel with a prop foreskin, crafted out of paper, that they unfold to show you how much skin is lost in every procedure. And isn't the idea to have the biggest dick possible? Giving you a woman's POV, girth beats length every time; better a beer can than a pinky finger. dategirl@seattleweekly.com

 
comments powered by Disqus