Is It Comfortable With Your Head Up Your Ass?

Dear Dategirl, Life is mostly wonderful with my boyfriend of nearly three years. We're best friends and have great sex. He loves my son. We're talking about moving in together this summer. The only problem is that when we met, we were both married to others. We agreed that we'd married the wrong people and split from our spouses. My divorce was just finalized; his was a lot quicker because he doesn't have any children. I don't believe "Once a cheater, always a cheater," because what would that make me? But my affair with him was the first time I'd ever strayed, and it recently came to light that he'd never been faithful to his wife. He assures me that's because he didn't love her like he loves me. Because of this revelation and other weird things, I started checking up on him. What I found sickened me. He doesn't appear to be cheating, but he's definitely inappropriate with other women. He and an extremely beautiful co-worker have cutesy pet names for each other. His correspondence with his ex-wife borders on flirtatious, and is sometimes so sentimental it makes my stomach hurt. There are weirdly flirty text messages on his phone from women I've never heard him mention. He's leaving for a weeklong business trip tomorrow, and I don't know whether to confront him now or wait until he returns. The problem is I'm in my late 30s and I desperately want to have another child. He says he's willing, but now I'm not so sure about him. What do you think? —Worried About My Womb What do I think? I think at least one of you is involved in a monogamous relationship. Unfortunately, that person is not your boyfriend. I'm with you in believing that cheaters can change their stripes, but I also believe that past behavior is the best predictor of future behavior. You cheated on your husband once—not a great track record, but hey, shit happens. This dude has never been faithful. I notice you don't say that he confessed this little tidbit to you, which leads me to believe that this "revelation" was either uncovered accidentally or the result of some of your Nancy Drew sleuthing. If he were doing only one of the things you mention, I'd say there was a chance you were overreacting. I mean, I used to force co-workers to call me "Beautiful Judy" if they wanted to get any work out of me. But cutesy pet names, flirtatious e-mails to the ex, and mystery texts? Are you actually still unsure about his fidelity, or are you just comfortable walking around with your head up your ass? I don't think it matters when or if you confront him, because he's going to lie and you're going to continue to talk yourself into believing him. The only way you could have more evidence of his betrayal is if you walked in on him screwing the foxy co-worker. But it sounds like even then you'd doubt yourself and wonder if it were all just a dream. Please don't compound this dysfunctional relationship by having his child. I'm sure it's humiliating to find out that you uprooted your kid and ditched your husband for someone who turned out to be a scumbag, but cheaters rarely trade up. And in this case, it'd seem that you traded down. Way down. dategirl@seattleweekly.com

 
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