Horses make lousy protagonists, what with their inability to speak, emote, or do much of anything other than run or stand around. No surprise, then, that Secretariat employs its subject as merely a vehicle for a human-victory-over-adversity story, which, in this based-on-real-events case, involves owner Penny Chenery (Diane Lane) triumphing over the chauvinistic "old boys"—and, in the process, setting a proto-feminist example for her hippie daughter—by leading Secretariat to Triple Crown glory. Sexism and classism are the twin hurdles leapt by feisty Penny and her plaid-hat-wearing trainer, Lucien Laurin (a hammy John Malkovich). Along the way, director Randall Wallace goes overboard with mawkish deification: The stallion makes his intro in slow motion set to narration about the biblical tale of Job; is later visualized emerging from roiling storm clouds like a divine steed; and is exalted by Malkovich with the trailer-ready proclamation, "He's not a horse. He's Secretariat!" As befitting a Disney period-piece sports drama, cutaways to sunset horizons are plentiful, and social issues of the day are glibly addressed via hoary platitudes. At least the formulaic race footage itself is vigorous; the schmaltzy mythmaking script, on the other hand, deserves a one-way trip to the glue factory.