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Dear Dategirl,
My fiancé and I are devout Christians, and made a decision that we'd remain abstinent for the three months leading up to our marriage. (Neither of us are virgins, and we've had sex prior to this during our four-year relationship.) We both agreed that this chaste period would help make our wedding vows that much more special and sacred. We also both agreed to refrain from masturbating or looking at porn.
Fast-forward to his bachelor party: A group of his friends took him to a strip club and he won't say what happened. I know he was drunk and feeling pressured by his guy friends. He said he didn't want them making fun of him, so when everyone went into a private room, he went along. He refuses to tell me everything that happened, but I know he got a lap dance and he at least touched one of the naked women. To me, this is cheating.
I am so disappointed and furious. He swears he didn't cheat, and is even starting to get angry at me for "making a big deal out of it." We're supposed to be getting married in less than a month, and I am ready to call the whole thing off. My parents are paying for the wedding and staying out of it, but told me they'd support whatever I chose to do. I can't even look at him right now, and I would feel like a liar and a hypocrite if I just walked down the aisle because I felt pressured into it. Help.
—Furious Fiancée
Postpone. You don't have to cancel the whole thing, but how are you supposed to enjoy a wedding when you're marrying someone you want to punch in the head? I'm not saying you have to dump the guy, but since he's not talking or being contrite, you should probably at least put it off until you can look at him without hissing and spitting.
Unlike a lot of couples, you two seem to have constructed a fairly well-spelled-out definition of cheating. He had to know that if rubbing one out to Anal Acrobats 5 was off-limits, tweaking real live stripper nipples would also be on the don't list. Therefore, his whole "It wasn't cheating" line is disingenuous at best.
Another thing: I know I'm in the minority here, but I find the whole bachelor/bachelorette party completely idiotic. Mostly because women get the shaft—and not in a pulsating, "oh, God" way either. Why do men get hot strippers writhing on their crotches while women get stuck wearing plastic penis jewelry and having to resort to gay bars to see a little dude ass? (Note to bachelorettes: Please quit going to gay bars—you're annoying.) And why do naked women who aren't your bride-to-be figure into your celebration of marriage? Most guys in strip clubs are married anyway, so it's not like it stops with the vows.
But I digress. The point is, you two had an agreement, and a combination of bouncing boobies and peer pressure caused him to willfully ignore that. I don't think he's necessarily a bad person, but by refusing to talk and acknowledge what he's done, he's making it about a billion times worse. So if he wants to get married, he needs to start yapping.
dategirl@seattleweekly.com
