(NOW: You can read Dategirl every day on the Daily Weekly!) Dear Dategirl, There's this guy at work who's super-cute and with whom I have incredible chemistry when we bump into each other, or even hang out over a few drinks after quitting time. I mean, I'm really hot for him, to the point that a day doesn't pass when I'm not juicy at the thought of him slipping it in from behind in my cube. Our paths never really cross professionally, because we work for a large company (starts with an "m" and ends with "oft"), so it wouldn't pose a problem on that front. The issue is that whenever we have more than a few drinks with a group after work, he inevitably ends up taking this one trashy co-worker home and fucking her! Whenever I've asked either one about their "relationship," they insist it's no-strings-attached. I haven't made a move on him, so I have no grounds to complain. But if I do ask him out and things get semi-serious, should I be looking over my shoulder for this slut?—Am I Unrealistic?
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Normally I'm all for schtupping co-workers. You spend most of your waking life working, so why not pick up a little something along with your paycheck? However, in this case, I think you're probably on the verge of making a very bad decision—because if this dude was at all interested, he would've asked you out already. I know certain Seattle men have a reputation for being passive, but it sounds like this one doesn't have a problem getting what he wants; he just doesn't want it from you. It also sounds like you've been pretty obvious about expressing your interest—why else would you be sniffing around, asking him if he's in a relationship? That's Sending Signals 101. You were filled with a sense of false hope when he indicated that your co-worker and he are only fuck buddies, but what he was doing was showing you who he is. LISTEN TO HIM. He's not in a relationship with this other woman, yet he continues to fuck her. He knows you're interested, yet he doesn't bother to bust a move. Therefore you should conclude that: 1) He enjoys fucking this other woman. 2) He enjoys not being in a monogamous relationship. 3) He isn't interested in anything more than ego gratification from you. 4) Maybe if she wasn't around one night, he might possibly grace you with his wiener—but maybe not. You are obviously looking for a relationship, yet are attempting to form one with an utterly unsuitable prospect. I'm not trying to be cruel—I was the same way for a very long time. I would develop these scenarios in my head and try to force the men in my life into the roles I'd written for them. Then I'd be all upset that the wildly immature guy who had a circle of friends made up exclusively of women he'd slept with turned out to want to keep his options open. I call him wildly immature, but he was 10 years younger than me, so I was actually the immature one to expect anything different. This guy had spent his whole life as a dorky loser, then grew up and discovered that dorky was suddenly "cool" and he could actually get laid—often! Who could blame him for wanting to play Mad Pussy Professor? Well, I could. Much like you, I was unrealistic and somewhat delusional. What you need to do is keep looking—elsewhere. Try online dating, ask your friends to fix you up, but whatever you do, don't ask this guy out. You've already broadcast that you're interested, and if anything is ever going to happen between you, he's got to nut up and make the effort. But I wouldn't hold my breath. firstname.lastname@example.org