Do I Tell Her She's Too Fat to Fuck?

Dear Dategirl:

I don't need women to look like your logo, but I do like a woman who's fit and enjoys taking care of her body. Muscle turns me on. I recently met a woman who's a fantastic match for me in a lot of ways. She's got all these qualities I've been searching for, but she's not trim and not athletic. She's probably a good 20 pounds overweight, and when I touch her, I feel flab. She's on the pill, so I know that's part of it, but I also know it's how she is. She's really responsive in bed and we have a great time, but I'm kind of forcing it. This seems like the touchiest subject there is. Do I say anything? Or just walk?

Details

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Do you "say anything?" Like what? "Hey, fatty, let's make a deal—you drop 20 pounds and I'll continue to bang you?"

Telling someone—especially a woman—that she's too fat to fuck is asking for serious trouble. The best scenario is that you get yelled at (possibly slapped) and blacklisted among every single woman she knows. The other possibility is that you devastate her, causing her to cry and you to feel like shit. There's no upside. Only a complete doormat would agree to such a thing, and who wants to go out with that? Then you'd be left telling her she needs to grow a spine as she's working off that fat.

The pill can make some women gain weight, but it sounds as if you're hoping that once (if) she stops taking it, that 20 pounds will melt off like a delicious dollop of warm butter. You do realize, don't you, there's every possibility that even if you did convince her to stop taking it, the chunk would remain?

I've always thought that women were more likely to get suckered into relationships based on magical thinking. I can't even count how many chicks I've encountered who vainly believed that once they convinced the unemployed basement-dweller to fall in love with them, a super-charged career would emerge from the ether and their guy would suddenly stop stiffing the waitress and start bathing daily.

But now I understand that this is an equal-opportunity delusion. The fact is, what you see is what you've got: a great lay with no muscle tone who's fantastic in most ways, but prefers a delicious donut to an hour on the treadmill. That's just her, and there's nothing wrong with that. (Mmm, donuts!)

You aren't doing this chick any favors by, as you say, "forcing it." Plenty of dudes like a little junk in the trunk. In fact, I live with one, as I don't look like my logo either. Would you want to be with someone who talked herself into being with you even though she found you sweet, but kind of stupid? Or clever, but on the fug side of the looks continuum? Probably not. And why should you? It's insulting.

Taste is highly subjective, but if you're not attracted to someone, you shouldn't go out with them. End o' story.

What you need to do now is exit the relationship with grace and kindness, all the while leaving her self-esteem intact. Don't do her any "favors" by telling her that you'd prefer the fat-free version of her; just tell her it's not working out. The less said, the more likely you are to emerge with your testicles intact.

dategirl@seattleweekly.com