Dear Dategirl,
I recently moved in with my boyfriend. Before we lived together, I’d get it all the time. Now that we live together, we hardly ever do it, and I’m frustrated to no end.
I have told him how I feel, and still—maybe once a week. He is a great guy, treats me well, and there isn’t anything he wouldn’t do for me. But he just doesn’t seem to have the fire he had before we moved in together. What’s a girl to do?
—Sex Starved
Have you considered vajazzling your va-jay-jay? Dropping 30 pounds? Waxing your lady parts? Making out with his best friend? Throwing a giant tantrum? Giving him the silent treatment? Leaving a sheaf of engagement-ring ads under his pillow? Impugning his manhood? Refusing to shave your pits?
Sorry, I was just getting the Cosmo out of my system. It is natural that the frequency of sexual intercourse slows once a guy knows he can sit around in his skid-marked tighty-whities, stuffing his piehole with Cheetos while watching TV sports, and still get laid. Men have a rep as the hornier sex, but I’ve always found that this is true until they know they’ve got you. Once that’s accomplished (unless kids are involved‚ a whole other story), the horniness either levels out or gets tipped in the ladies’ favor.
However, that doesn’t mean you have to resign yourself to a life of celibacy or one spent sneaking around. Here are a few tried-and-true methods of convincing a reluctant guy to give up the sweet booty action:
• Become a morning person. For whatever reason, many men of my acquaintance prefer wake-up whoopee. Rare is the man who can resist waking to a blowjob in progress.
• Incorporate food. Admittedly, I haven’t tried this, but I do know that if I straddled a barbecued rib, I’d get the ride of my life.
• Arrange for him to “accidentally” walk in on you getting yours by your lonesome. “Ooh…yeah…ohhhh…Oooh! OHMYGODWHATAREYOUDOINGHOME!!!!” Note: It’s probably a good idea to ascertain that he’ll be arriving home alone and not with five friends to watch the game.
• Or occasionally leave a porn site up in your browser. Does any dude not like girls (on girls) on film? Only if they prefer boys (on boys) on film.
• Re-become a challenge. Instead of acting the leg-humping fool, try opening a little distance between you. I’m not recommending you be a bitch—just hold out for as long as you can, and the next time he grabs your thigh, butt, or boob, cheerfully (but firmly) push his hand away. Feign indifference. (I know you’re only human, but if you can last a week, give yourself a high-five.)
• This one is really boring, but try talking. Don’t inform him that you’ve renamed your vagina The Sahara, but instead get him to talk about what’s going on at work and elsewhere. Maybe he’s depressed.
• Then again, maybe it’s simple. When I bitch to my man that I’m not getting enough, he says “Naked time! We need more naked time!” in a weird borrowed accent. As annoying as it is, it works. I just show up with no pants and he’s at half-mast; titties too, and he’s good to go.
Have you tried just lounging around naked? It may not be your miracle cure, but it’s certainly more fun than bitching, whining, moaning, or nagging.
