Dear Dategirl,
Kirsten Ulve
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I have been with my fiancé for two years; we are planning to move in together next month, with a wedding planned for next October. It's my first, his second. I love him dearly, but for one thing: He has a tendency to mention his ex-wife quite often.
His friends have told me privately that the ex was ruthless and "nuts"—their words, not mine. She put him through the wringer during their divorce, but from the way he talks about her, it seems like no matter what kind of craziness and cruelty she brought into the marriage, things in the bedroom were always hot.
He's mentioned her sexual behavior many times—how much she loved anal, B&D...if you can imagine it, she'd do it. I can't help feeling that he thinks they had better sex than we do. I'm adventurous, but neither anal beads nor hot wax holds any appeal for me. When he closes his eyes during the act, I imagine he's thinking of her. Maybe I'm petty and jealous, but I really wish he would drop it. What should I do?
—Second Best
As adults, it's usually a given that our partners don't enter our orbit as lily-white virgin snow. Most of us have histories, some more extensive than others. And really, who cares? But it's a big leap from knowing our partners have sexual pasts to being provided with explicit accounts of their debauchery with others.
Tales of how hot some other broad was in the sack is generally accepted to be jealous-making. You aren't one bit weird, petty, or wimpy for being irritated. After all, I'm assuming you haven't provided him with a play-by-play of your past: the biggest cock you've ever gobbled, that dashing lad who hit your G-spot with his tongue, the three-way in Thailand with two hot surfer dudes.
Of course you haven't. Because you're sensible and realize that when you get into too much detail, the person you're telling develops a mental image in their brain. So even though he's never seen the surfer dudes, he naturally imagines they're younger, buffer, and larger in the pants than he is. How could that idea—no matter how true or false—possibly enhance your sex life together? Insecurity is not an aphrodisiac.
Your fiancé needs to learn some manners and get a clue. Unfortunately, a guy who droolingly tells his future wife about his ex-wife's fondness for strap-ons is probably not going to learn from a gentle scolding. "Honey, when you talk about your ex's ability to crack walnuts with her vagina, it makes me feel like something's lacking with mine" likely isn't going to get your message across—though I would give it a shot.
If that approach doesn't work, try teaching by example. The next time he brings up her double-jointed fisting technique, counter with a description of the bass player who left you with stretch marks around your mouth. He waxes rhapsodic about her lack of gag reflex, you reminisce about that night you had 19 orgasms in a row—long before you met him.
Then, to keep this from degenerating into stupid one-upmanship that'll only piss you both off, ask him how this knowledge makes him feel. If he's like most, he won't be thrilled. Then use that to open a discussion: He's a great guy, but he needs to learn to STFU about her and figure out what he wants from you.
dategirl@seattleweekly.com
