How Not to Cheer Up a Cancer Patient

Having a positive attitude toward beating the disease that seeks to destroy you is a good thing. Really. I've always had a Tom Petty stand-me-up-at-the-gates-of-hell-but-I-won't-back-down attitude myself. But let's be honest, my positive attitude is really for you, not me. It's like when someone on the plane tells you your toddler was "so great" when they really mean "so great it wasn't fucking annoying me the whole flight."

The Jew Rule

If you're Jewish, you can make Jew jokes. If you're black, you can make black jokes. (And probably Jew jokes too. Really, what're the Jews going to do?) Well, the same goes for cancer. Once you've joined the ranks of the dying, you can use all the tumor humor you want. Walking by my office to say "Hey, Uno! How's your last nut hangin'?" really isn't that funny. Especially since I've never had testicular cancer. Again, do your homework.

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Cancer treatment isn't a 401k. You don't pay into it to see a financial return on your investment. Sadly, on more than one occasion, co-workers have stopped me—always the higher-paid ones, by the way—to remind me how much they donated to my cause. One of them cornered me in an elevator a week after my last treatment and said, "You know I gave $500 for that fund-raiser they were doing for you. And it's not even a tax write-off!" The idea of giving is to see someone you care about get better. That's the payoff, right? OK. Maybe it's just me.

Keep It Together

I know that watching someone you love suffer is extremely difficult. Having stood by my father's bedside while he took his last breath, I know this pain firsthand. That said, if you can, try to save the waterworks for the really important stuff. Like the birth of a baby dolphin or the Ice Capades. The emotional weight of dealing with my own mortality is almost too much to bear. Making sure you're OK with it can sometimes be too much. If you need to just let loose and weep for hours on end, lean on the people best equipped to deal with it: friends, family, and prostitutes.

Visiting Hours

I always thought this one was a no-brainer, but people keep surprising me, so I thought it was worth mentioning. When you visit someone you love in the hospital, consider the fact that they're probably not super-comfortable. It may look like the back room at Studio 54 with all the plush couches, chenille blankets, and lava lamps, but it's actually a pretty uncomfortable place. An hour after my five-hour kidney surgery, I woke to the sight of a friend sitting in a chair at the foot of my hospital bed sipping a pumpkin spice latte. She looked like one of those old International Coffee commercials where the post-orgasmic-seeming woman is holding her cup with both hands and mmmmm-ing herself silly. Hey Hitler! I haven't eaten in 48 hours over here! Why don't you slow it down with your "moment" while I'm trying to walk away from the light.

A 28-year-old friend of mine who was recovering from a radical hysterectomy had the pleasure of being brought dinner by a small group of friends. A full KFC spread. I have to assume it's because nothing says "You'll never be able to have children again" like a bucket of chicken?

We love you. And we love that you care. Just maybe a quick pause to think about where we are and why we're there.

What Not To Say

Finding out you have cancer is devastating. Sharing that news with the people you love can also be sub-fun. The following is a list of actual quotes from my own friends and family in response to the news:

"You've got to slow down."

"You should've taken better care of your body."

"How did you miss the warning signs?"

"Maybe this is your wake-up call to do something different with your life."

"You brought this on yourself."

"Wow. What else is going on?"

Yes, the last one was meant as a joke. And it did make me laugh. A lot. Which, really, is all I want. And probably what many people who are dealing with this disease want, too: to deal with things in reality. As they come. And accept that just because you shed light on a situation, it doesn't necessarily mean you take a situation lightly.

Cancer is not something I take lightly. I've lost so many people I love to it. But for me, the trick to winning the Rodeo is to keep getting back up.