How Not to Steal the Title "Moronic Cheater of the Universe" from Jesse James

Dear Dategirl,I have developed a strong mutual attraction to my wife's friend—I'll call her Lisa. I have never cheated and don't want to, but am afraid it will happen eventually. My wife and I have a 3-month-old daughter, so I haven't been getting much attention lately, if you know what I mean.If I tell my wife I'm attracted to Lisa, I worry it could destroy our marriage—and I know it will end their friendship. If I don't tell my wife, she won't know, but I'm afraid eventually we will become weak.Lisa and I have had lunch—with too much wine and flirting—twice, and last night she texted me in the middle of the night. Lisa is also married, but her husband is working overseas for the next few months at least.I'm trying to do the right thing. Help!—Want to Be Good

You mention the fact that you haven't been getting much "attention" from your wife— a woman who shot a mini-human (with half your DNA) out of her vagina a few months ago—as though that's some sort of justification for your yearning? Oy vey.In your defense, you aren't actually schtupping your wife's "friend" yet. For that you get, if not a high-five, then a high-three. But the absolute last thing you should do is inform your wife that you and her "friend" have formed a mutual admiration society. Your wife just had a fucking baby. Along with being distracted by the tiny person attached to her ti-tay, she's probably also exhausted, feeling fat and unattractive, and completely overwhelmed. Does she really need the added worry of wondering whether her lamebrained husband is going to stick his dick in her pal?Instead of whining that you're not getting enough attention, take over some of the kid care so your wife can get a pedicure or a massage or even a nap. Believe me, well-rested women in egalitarian relationships are far more likely to dole out the hummers, even if their episiotomy (gah!) hasn't healed enough for fucking.I wish Lisa had been the one to write, because I have a few choice words for her. I've had some toxic bitches pass through my life, but only one came as close to being as big a skeezer as Lisa. I'd sooner put my own eye out than screw the man of one of my friends. It's bad enough to be betrayed by your husband; double the betrayal means double the pain. Unless you really hate your wife, please don't go there.Hopefully your wife will wise up and figure out Lisa's not a friend. Meanwhile, you need to cut Lisa out of your life immediately. Don't answer her calls, delete her e-mails as they come in, and unless you feel like stealing the Moronic Cheater of the Universe title from Jesse James, don't ever be anywhere alone with this bitch.No doubt Lisa will still be around, if only to see the friend she's been so loyal to. That doesn't mean you have to stick around while she's visiting. Mow the lawn, take the kid to the zoo, or change a diaper. Chances are good that your wife won't even notice your change in attitude, because she's got a lot on her plate at the moment—one infant on the boob, the other one having a midlife crisis next to her in bed.I don't mean to be too hard on you, but now's the time to step up and be a good guy.dategirl@seattleweekly.com

 
comments powered by Disqus