Dear Dategirl,
Kirsten Ulve
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I've been married to my husband for eight years. We have two children and don't want any more. The problem is I can't take birth control pills (for medical reasons) and my body won't tolerate IUDs. So our options are condoms or a vasectomy. (My best friend got pregnant using a diaphragm, so I don't think that's a viable option.)
My husband hates condoms and keeps putting off making an appointment for a vasectomy. If getting my tubes tied entailed only a 10-minute in-office procedure, I'd be there, but I already had two children and don't feel it's fair for me to go in for major surgery when he has such a simple option available.
Meanwhile, we haven't had sex in two years. I am so angry that I can barely stand to be in the same room as him. We're never affectionate anymore, and if we didn't have a family, I'm sure we'd already be divorced. What can I do to make him get a vasectomy?
—Sex-Starved in Seattle
The only way you could possibly "make" your husband get a vasectomy is to konk him on the head and perform the procedure yourself while he's unconscious. Obviously not a tactic I recommend.
I understand your anger. I mean, you pushed two not-so-tiny humans out through your vagina! And if that weren't enough, you then presumably let each of them gnaw on your nipples for the better part of a year. Meanwhile, there's your husband, doling out cigars to his friends while you have stitches in your cooter and a screeching infant hanging off your tit! And he won't go to the doctor to get a tiny slit to the sac that he won't even feel because it'll be numb? Pffft. I was going to call him a pussy, but given all that yours has been through, that seems just a tad too ironic.
I tried to convince my boyfriend to get a vasectomy. Like your guy, he also agreed, but kept putting off the appointment. So I thought having him watch one of those surgery shows on TV might convince him. Don't do that. This large, manly man of mine—who'll cheerfully watch zombies gnaw on each other's intestines—was curled up in a corner of the sofa, mewling like a kitten, after only a few seconds. I mean, there wasn't even any blood, and the guy getting snipped was talking to the doctor the entire time!
The fact is, men are just nuts about their nuts in a way that we ladies will never fully fathom. That said, it still doesn't explain why he'd rather go two years without sex than slip on a condom. I mean, nobody really likes rubbers, but they're certainly preferable to unwanted pregnancies or abstinence. There have been many advances in condom technology, too—some of those buggers are so thin you can hardly notice you've got it wrapped.
But the stand-off you guys are having has gone beyond a simple birth-control issue. If you two sincerely want to stay married, you're going to need to enlist a professional; an advice columnist—no matter how witty, beautiful, brainy, and insightful she might be—is not what I'm talking about. You need to suck it up and go see a couples counselor. I promise it'll be less painful than going another two years without sex.
dategirl@seattleweekly.com
