Dear Dategirl:
Kirsten Ulve
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In the last couple of weeks, two of my girlfriends have discovered they were married to cheaters. One of the guys even had a child with the other woman! That friend immediately kicked her husband out, and he moved right in with his new family!
My other friend is trying to work it out with her husband, but he's still seeing the other woman, so I don't know why she's bothering. Meanwhile, I'm doing my best to remain supportive, which isn't easy because I think she should dump him.
But what's even harder is maintaining my sanity. I've been married for almost 10 years. My husband has never given me cause to doubt his fidelity or anything else. We have what I would consider a pretty good marriage, but lately I find myself doubting him. I've checked his phone and looked at his e-mail. I try to catch him in lies. It's crazy and I've found nothing, but now I have this nagging doubt. My friends both trusted their husbands, and look what happened. I talked to him, and he didn't get exactly angry about the snooping, but I could tell I'd hurt his feelings. What can I do to regain my trust in him and quit acting like a crazy person?
—Harriet the Spy
As I write, I'm watching Oprah interview Rev. Ted Haggard and his delusional wife. (Recall that Ted had a three-year, meth-fueled affair with a male prostitute.) According to Ted and his denial-addled wife, he's been miraculously "cured" of "unnatural" tendencies and is now 100% faithful to her and her suddenly irresistible vagina. Not only that, but, according to the couple, they have "plenty of evidence" to prove his hetero-conversion. Sadly, Oprah didn't press this point; I would've paid good money to watch Ted try to coax a hetero-woody on afternoon TV.
So throw Ted in with high-profile cases like Tiger Woods and John Edwards, mix in your friends' wayward hubbies, and it might seem that all men are cheaters. And while men may be statistically more likely to stray, I need to point out that all I've been hearing lately is of women who're doing the fucking around. One acquaintance left her husband for her (married) boss. Another is banging the unattractive, unemployable (also married) neighbor, while still another is stepping out on her fiancé with a junkie ex who lives with his parents. (Doesn't anyone ever cheat up?) So while your friends may be dealing with jackasses, remember that there are more than a few jillasses out there too.
I know it's depressing and sometimes infuriating to watch people you love be devastated by people allegedly committed to them. So feel free to be angry and sad. Talk to your shrink, your friends, your husband about how you're feeling. And while you're at it, quit with the spying!
If your husband were exhibiting shady behavior, I'd say sure, snoop away. But it sounds as if he's a nice guy who's being victimized by the fallout from your friends' relationships. It's not his fault your buddies married assholes, nor should he have to take the heat for their husbands' mistakes.
One of the quickest ways to destroy a relationship is through mistrust. Enlist a mental-health professional if you have to, because otherwise you'll be calling a lawyer.
dategirl@seattleweekly.com
