Dear Dategirl:I've been dating this great guy for about six months. A few weeks ago we decided to get off birth control and kind of "inactively" try to have a baby. Soon after I had a false positive on a pregnancy test, and it really put a strain on us, considering how much we both want kids. We're crazy about each other, but our situation is strange, to say the least.He got married six months before we started dating. Two months in she jumped ship and left for California, but they never got divorced. So he's still married, and we're planning to have a child and become engaged when he gets the divorce. (BTW, there's no chance of him and his ex getting back together.) But neither of them are making any effort to divorce, and he keeps saying he doesn't want to have to pay the whole fee.I'm nervous, because sometimes it seems like he still wants to be married. I don't want to strain our relationship by pushing him away, but a part of me is scared that if I do have a child without being married, he could leave me. Should I continue to try to have a kid with him before he's divorced or even in the process of getting one? Or should I buck up and tell him I don't want to have a kid until he finalizes the divorce?—Bad on Paper
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I hope Santa left you some common sense under the tree and you are right now popping birth-control pills, cramming multiple diaphragms up your snatch, and avoiding anyone with testicles wearing less than a full-body condom.Are you out of your fucking mind? You're trying to get knocked up by a married dude whom you've only known six months? A married guy who has not made Move #1 to get a divorce because he doesn't want to pay for it? Know what's about a billion times more expensive than a divorce? A motherfucking baby!And you don't want to "strain your relationship" by making a stink about a divorce? Do you have any idea how stressful bringing a baby into this world is? Do either of you geniuses have health insurance? Jobs? Brains?A baby can be a trial for even the most committed, mature couple, which you two are most definitely not. There are possible health complications, incredible financial burdens, and the responsibility for keeping a completely dependent, mewling, hungry, pooping, puking human alive. If you think asking him to get divorced (which you wouldn't have to nag him about if he really wanted a committed relationship with you) is a strain, what will sleep deprivation and financial and emotional depletion do to your Very Special Love?To answer your first question: Yes, it definitely seems as if he wants to stay married, because otherwise he wouldn't be! And how can you be so sure there's no chance they'll get back together? He certainly still seems quite attached.While anyone can leave you whether or not you're married, having a kid with someone who's obviously ambivalent about you is not a bright idea. When it comes to love, some people are good bets and some are bad. A good bet is someone you've known long enough to judge as mature, responsible, single, respectful, and loving. You can talk to a good bet about anything without worrying that you'll drive him away.A bad bet is someone you barely know who's married to someone else and has no plans to get divorced. Unless you're OK with being a single mom, I'd get back on birth email@example.com