It's Not You, It's Your Vagina

Dear Dategirl,About 12 years ago I became involved with a great guy. At the time I was extricating myself from a dead-in-the-water relationship, so I wasn't exactly available. Fast-forward several months. I'm finally free, so we get together for dinner and wind up having a night of explosive, mind-blowing sex. I had every expectation that he would hang around after that, as he had been so persistent. Instead he pulled the disappearing act, and I didn't hear a peep for six months. I'd leave him the odd friendly voice mail or e-mail, but no response. His friends said he was scared off—he'd been through a bad breakup himself the previous year and probably had cold feet.After six months, we picked up where we left off. The problem was, he was so busy that he'd either be hours late for dates or not show up at all. Weeks would go by with no contact. He's the type who overloads his days to the point where it's a wonder he has time to sleep. Anyway, his lack of time-management skills came to a head after a year. I told him I was tired of being at the bottom of his priority list. If he couldn't get his shit together to be on time, or even let me know he was going to be late, there was no point in continuing.In the years since, I've been in other relationships, but he'd still check in every few months. We'd have drinks or coffee—nothing more. But last week he called (he remembered it was my birthday!) and took me to dinner. We wound up making out in the parking lot, and he seems to want to start things up again.I'm not sure I want to go down that road again, but why would he keep in touch like that over the years? We're both very independent and a tad commitment-phobic, but there's a definite connection. Should I jump on it or leave it alone?—Confused in Toronto

Before I begin, take a moment and reread your letter as if your best friend had written it to you. You want to smack her, don't you?He was "too busy" to pick up a phone to tell you he'd be late or unable to make it? Leaving you sitting pathetically at a bar for hours, nursing a watered-down drink, waiting for him? He couldn't take five seconds to text you that he'd be MIA for a few weeks? This is after he disappeared for six months after fucking you? Time management is not your dude's problem. (Do you think Barack Obama forgets to call Michelle when he's running late for dinner? The answer: No.) He's not busy—he's an asshole.The reason this dude keeps sniffing around isn't because you two share some deep, magical "connection." It's because he remembers that he was able to get away with treating you like crap for an entire year, and you still let him back into your vagina. Not only that, but more than a decade later, you still talk to the jackass! He back-burnered you; you were Plan C.Take off the blindfold, woman! So what if he remembered your birthday? (As if Facebook lets you forget anyone's.) Even now you say it seems as though he wants to start seeing you again. But did he come out and say that? I'm guessing not. More likely, Plans A & B were just busy that night.dategirl@seattleweekly.com

 
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