Dear Dategirl,
Kirsten Ulve
Related Content
More About
I have an awesome friend whom I sometimes hook up with. He is the best friend I ever had and I can talk to him about anything. I just don't feel "that way" about him because he is about the same size as me, if not smaller, and I am a very shallow person who is looking for a guy with a good bod to go along with the niceness. I'm not sure what my problem is, but I know I spend a lot of time thinking about fucking a hot-bodied hunk, yet still sleeping with my best friend when there's nobody better-looking around.
I know I shouldn't be worried about ending up with someone right now (I'm only 20), but I would definitely like to find some hotness in the meantime. I just don't know how to go about it. I seem to scare guys away or they use me as some sort of sex toy, and that isn't enough for me anymore. I know that makes me sound like a hypocrite, but my friend and I have an understanding. Please give me some advice on one or all of my issues. I know there are a lot, and most of them I didn't even mention.
—Shallow Sex Toy
Two big issues you neglected to mention in your note were your atrocious spelling and seemingly nonexistent grasp of even basic tenets of grammar. People of Seattle, let me tell you—before I cleaned it up, this chick's letter was so riddled with errors, it was like I was translating it from Stupidese.
I get that in the heat of the moment, spelling and punctuation can suffer, but your note was off the charts. I mean, laied? Why should you get laid when you can't even spell it? And attrackive? How pretty is the girl who can't spell her way out of a Boggle cube? Answer: Knot vry.
Please start reading books; maybe peruse a copy of Strunk and White. Not only is reading fun(damental), but if you ever decide to try online dating, you won't be relegated to the short-bus department.
Now, are you wondering how to become less shallow, or how you can find hot guys to bang? I found that being screwed over by a series of scorching-hot assholes made me pay more attention to what was on the inside, instead of just being blinded by the wrapping. Obviously I still like a nice-looking piece of man-candy, but at some point kindness started to count more than cut abs. Your ideal partner is foxy inside and out.
As for bagging cuties, it's not brain surgery. If you want more than sex, wait until you get to know them before you show them that trick you learned in that Tristan Taormino video. It's no guarantee you won't get your heart broken, but if a guy sticks around for awhile even though he's not getting laid, chances are he actually likes you. This will require some restraint on your part, but you can always work out your frustrations with your special friend.
As you wisely point out, you're only 20, so why should you worry about whom you'll "end up with?" If you're being safe and sane, there's no reason not to run around sampling random ass. Your taste will evolve—and hopefully improve—over time.
If you're wondering if you should quit fucking your friend, the answer is: It depends. If he's in love with you, yes, you should stop, because he obviously thinks he's more than just a placeholder. The FWB relationship requires a very delicate balance, because it's inevitable that one of you will want more. In this case, it sounds like it could be him. But if I'm wrong and he's happy to put it to you until you meet someone "better," then go forth and fornicate.
dategirl@seattleweekly.com
