Dear Dategirl,
Kirsten Ulve
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I am a divorced, unemployed truck driver with diabetes, high blood pressure, high cholesterol, severe psoriatic arthritis and psoriasis, and I am also obese. However, I have also been told that I am a loving, caring individual.
I can never find a date because I have no extra finances to spend on a "night on the town," and I am an uneducated veteran. How would you suggest that I find someone? After all, "they" say there's someone for everyone. But I never seem to find mine.
Besides, who would want to be with someone who has all these health issues? Is there a club that accepts guys like me? Also, I can't dance or do any of that "other stuff" either, because of all my meds. Just thought I'd throw that in there too, since that is also a very important part of a couple's life. Who wants a dead old fish when the world is full of vibrant, invigorating, strong, and educated fellas out there to scoop up?
—Testosterone-less Guy
Dude, I'm not going to lie—with issues like yours, you're not going to be bagging Heidi Klum anytime soon. But first let's work on that attitude. Granted, it's easy to say "Be positive!" from where I'm sitting, because I'm not an obese, arthritic, psoriasis-riddled unemployed truck driver who can't get it up. You've got a lot to overcome here, so you've got to work on your game.
You say you're uneducated, so how about getting yourself some edumacation? There's a good start. You're a veteran, so look into that GI Bill I've heard so much about. No need to get into a Ph.D. program, but a high-school or college diploma might be nice to hang on the wall. Plus, it'll get you out of the house, you'll pick up some book learning, and get an opportunity to ogle young-girl booty on campus.
While we're at it, let's work on that weight, shall we? The Girl of Date is not without some junk in the trunk, so I'm not casting any fatty stones here. But get thee to a Weight Watchers meeting, stat. Not only will you lose some pounds, you'll be surrounded by an overwhelmingly female crowd—half of whom are convinced their size-six asses are the most bloated thing since the Hindenburg. Being a dude, you'll be a novelty. I've never been to a meeting with more than two guys. Your many issues will bring out the nurturing side that so many women seem to possess, and you might even score a date.
The beauty of dating someone in Weight Watchers is that you won't have to spend much on food! You can split an entrée and not worry about paying for cocktails, because each glass of wine (two points!) or beer (three points!) is counted against the amount of food she can consume each day. And who wants to waste points on booze when you can have a sliver of chocolate cake instead?
As for the non-functioning dong, well, talk to your physician. If my spam filter is any indication, there are puh-lenty of solutions out there for you. I'm not even going to touch the psoriasis issue, because the last time I mentioned the p-word I was flooded with hate mail from itchy psufferers from across the country.
So yes, for you finding love will be a much taller order than it is for some limber young buck, but did you know Stephen Hawking—a dude who is almost completely paralyzed—managed to cheat on his wife? OK, he's got smarts and dough that you don't, but you still should be able to eke out a finger-bang.
dategirl@seattleweekly.com
