This Week's Horoscopes

Scorpio (Oct. 23–Nov. 21)Eliminate distractions. I don't expect you to stop being obsessed with the things that fascinate you, but admit that right now they're keeping you from getting to the other stuff you ought to be doing. Instead of trying to deny your own impulses, however, which will just consume more time and energy than you have to spare, may I suggest indulging them? Simply do so as efficiently as you can and get them out of the way for now. Once you've gotten your "fix," you should find concentrating on the task at hand much, much easier.Sagittarius (Nov. 22–Dec. 21)While juvenile pranks are obnoxious, they have a playfulness that you've lost touch with as you've gotten older. Maybe you think you've outgrown mooning someone out a car window, and no longer think it's as hilarious as you did when you were 13. However, you might be surprised if you gave it a try. This week, try to recapture some of the silly, carefree spirit you had in abundance during your youth. There's still joy to be had there, and playing around some will only enhance everything else you do. Get to it. Drop your drawers and let your ass cheeks feel the breeze.Capricorn (Dec. 22–Jan. 19)There's a difference between a stiff upper lip and a full-on mask. Toughing it out through hard times is great, but pretending everything's perfectly fine when it isn't does you a grave disservice. It's also unfair to all the people you've been there for, who'd love a chance to return the favor. I like your stoic ability to soldier on in the face of adversity—it's a refreshing change from the people who whine about any little setback. However, sometimes you need someone to lean on. Remember, your friends like being needed. Let them; it's a win-win.Aquarius (Jan. 20–Feb. 18)No one's perfect. Even those apparently "perfect" couples have to put up with a lot of shit from each other. The price of admission to most relationships is getting over something you sorely wish weren't part of the equation, but just is. People who wait for the relationship math to work out perfectly mostly end up alone a long time. Is that what you're doing? If so, I'd re-check your calculations. Given that your beefs are mostly petty, you're still well ahead of the game. I'd hesitate before throwing that away if I were you.Pisces (Feb. 19–March 20)There's your dream job, and then there's what you actually do. How far apart are they? How have you contributed to that distance? Did you make your dream job virtually unattainable (rock star or president)? Or have you simply not been industrious enough in its pursuit? Whatever the cause, find ways this week to move your dream job and your real job a little closer together, either by revising your ideas about what exactly that dream job might be, or just putting your nose to the grindstone and doing the work it would take to get there.Aries (March 21–April 19)Shit happened, but things aren't tainted "forever." Don't be melodramatic. Your emotional response to recent crappy events is understandable, but it's strong simply because they're so recent; in retrospect, it'll probably feel like an overreaction. Don't freak out and further complicate or poison the situation. Take a break from it. Make up a great excuse and disappear for a week or two. When you return, you'll be able to approach this in a way that will still make sense 10 years from now when you look back on this time. This bridge doesn't need to be burned, so put away the matches and don't come back until your pyromaniacal urges have faded.Taurus (April 20–May 20)Even if you secretly hate them, surprises are good for you. Taureans have a tendency to surround themselves with people who generally agree with them and follow their lead. That might be a pleasant scenario on the surface, but it's also one that makes it dangerously easy to fall into a rut and stay there for ages. Pull in some people who chronically surprise you. Having your life periodically shaken up by the unexpected from your unpredictable friends will keep you from going down that sad road. If you don't have people in your life whose actions constantly entertain and astonish you, go find a few.Gemini (May 21–June 20)Sometimes taking the initiative is the thing to do; sitting on your hands and waiting for a job to come to you, for instance, isn't likely to work out very well. However, there are other things you should never force; if you tried, you'd regret it. They're only meaningful if they happen on their own. Don't force someone else's hand just to get the result you crave. Played that way, it won't feel good when you get it. Just get out of the way and wait and see what happens. You may be disappointed, but that's still better than pressuring someone into saying or doing something that simply doesn't come naturally.Cancer (June 21–July 22)Whenever a relationship goes through a transition, it's fraught with emotional pitfalls and weirdness. Whether it's friends becoming lovers or the other way around, it's sometimes helpful to change up other things as well. A total blackout period can help kick off a fresh start, for example. Sometimes a complete change of venue is the way to go ("What happens in Vegas..."). Anyway, if you're looking to change any of your relationships, switch up some of the externals to make it easier for both of you to break out of the boxes you're in. This week, incidentally, is a great time for that.Leo (July 23–Aug. 22)Keep up the good work. You've set up some wonderful precedents and new habits for yourself over the past couple of months. Don't let your intrinsic laziness kick in and sabotage all that now. You know what the good stuff is. Maintain that momentum, and if you really need some down time, carve it out of the rest of your life; don't feel as though your new great habits are what's keeping you from all the lounging and taking it easy you also like to do. Actually, if you work things right, you should be able to get more done that you really want to do and be lazier than ever before. This week, think up ways to do exactly that.Virgo (Aug. 23–Sept. 22)You don't let much get in the way of things you feel you need to get done. That, my dear, is exactly the problem. You're undaunted by illness, circumstance, or legitimate complications that would cause virtually anyone else to turn away and give up. We all admire your steely determination, of course, but you may want to revise your standards. Sometimes something just isn't meant to work out. Occasionally, even, you need to take a sorely deserved break. This week work on learning to listen to these not-so-subtle clues when they appear, and heeding at least some of them.Libra (Sept. 23–Oct. 22)Avoid double standards like the plague. Because of your intuitive ability to identify with almost anyone and see many different sides to a situation, you're too inclined to make exceptions to a rule just because your compassionate heart goes out to someone. Unfortunately, the rules exist for a reason (you made some of them yourself, so you know that), and bending or breaking them willy-nilly will just get you into trouble all across the board—sometimes even with the people you're breaking them for. This week, by the book is the way to go, no matter how much your heart bleeds.

 
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