Dear Dategirl,
Kirsten Ulve
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I'm a senior in college, and until recently was in a great relationship with an amazing woman. Since it ended, we have been spending time together on a weekly basis, and I have to confess: I am every bit as smitten with her as I was when we were dating. She still seems to enjoy my company, but I don't know if she feels the same way about me as I do about her.
I know you are probably going to say that she may never feel for me like I want her to and I should just do what I do and see how it shakes out, but there must be something I can do!
Is there any advice you can offer me in understanding the female mental perspective of being friends with an ex? Do women ever get back with their exes?
—Stuck on Her
I'm wondering why you two broke up. It certainly doesn't seem to have been too dramatic or traumatic, or you wouldn't still be hanging out regularly. Here are some possible scenarios, with my take on how likely it is that you kids will be able to work past it:
Timing. If one of you was ready for a big-time relationship while the other wanted to play the field, you could possibly find yourself on the same relationship page a little further down the line. These are the easiest breakups to declare backsies on, because nobody's at fault.
Two-Timing. I've never been the forgiving type, but I hear rumors of couples who not only survived a partner's infidelity, but thrived. Repairing a partnership after an extracurricular dalliance isn't easy, but it can be done. Just prepare yourself (if you're the cheater) to provide total transparency, complete honesty, and a lot of ass-kissing.
Violence. Regardless of who's done the smacking, if your relationship has gotten to the point where punches are being thrown, you should definitely move on. If you're the perpetrator, do the world (and yourself) a favor and enlist a mental-health professional— stat.
Where Did Our Love Go? Sometimes, despite your best efforts, love just goes bye-bye. Unfortunately, once someone's fallen out of love with you, there's nothing you can do to resuscitate it. I still remember exactly where I was and what I was doing (him) when I realized I no longer loved a long-ago ex. What was once a passion had turned into a dreary habit.
Growing Up or Growing Apart? You're still playing beer pong with your brahs while she's studying for the GMAT, working two jobs, and volunteering at a homeless shelter. Wait to call her until you're 30 or gainfully employed and not sleeping on a futon, whichever comes first.
Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire. I once had a boyfriend who was utterly incapable of telling the truth—even when the truth was no biggie, like telling me he'd taken the bus when he'd actually taken the train. Most liars aren't as diligent in their fibbing as he was, but once you destroy someone's trust, you need to do a lot of work to regain it. Oh, and quit lying.
No Future! A friend of mine once dated a Japanese chick who'd promised her parents she'd marry only within the tribe. So why was she dating a black dude? Who knows? But it wasn't as though he could convert to Japanese, so their love was doomed.
I guess what I'm trying to say is that many relationships can be repaired with a little work. It just depends on your reasons for splitting up in the first place. My advice: Talk to her.
