You Can't Unfuck the Snooping Chicken

Dear Dategirl,I've been dating my boyfriend for almost three years, a year of which has been long-distance while he attends law school. My only other serious relationship was also long-distance, and ended when he cheated on me.My boyfriend—like my ex—has always been the jealous type, and this has been an issue, since most of my friends are guys. He, like my ex, has no female friends. I've had a gut feeling for a few months that something isn't quite right.So about a month ago, I did the crazy insecure-girlfriend thing and looked through his phone. I found multiple late-night phone calls and texts with several women. I once again asked him about female friends, and again he insisted he had none.This really bothered me, so the next time I visited I checked his e-mail, and found out that he and some girl he'd met at a party were making plans to hang out. And some other girl he met on a trip to China were going back and forth about how much they missed each other—lots of "XOXO"s and "honey"s in those.And then there were two years' worth of e-mails with his ex-girlfriend. The more recent ones seem more innocent than the ones in which he asked for a naked photo (!!!), though all were written during our relationship. He's always told me they have zero contact. And all this time he's been giving me shit for hanging out with my friends!?My problem is that if I confront him, I'm going to have to admit that I went through his stuff. At the same time, I have no proof that he cheated. Am I in denial? I know it sounds bad, but he's really been an exceptional boyfriend otherwise.—Sad in Seattle

You've discovered the downside of snooping—you can't unfuck that chicken. Though you've found no hard evidence your boyfriend's actually put his penis in any of these women, he doesn't exactly sound innocent, either. That he's lying about even knowing these broads does not bode well.However, there's a slim chance he didn't tell you about his new lady friends because he knew what a giant hypocrite that would make him. Either way, how can you not confront him? Who cares if he gets angry that you peeked at his e-mail or checked his phone? I think there are occasionally times when you're left with no choice but to snoop. Your gut is a powerful instrument; if I'd paid attention to mine, I could've saved myself a lot of heartache. And when you ask someone straight up if there's something they're not telling you, and every fiber of your being screams that they're lying, what other choice do you have? I'll bet you wish you'd found out you were just being paranoid.My friend X (not her real name!) had an odd feeling about her boyfriend and happened upon his e-mail, which he'd left open. She discovered that the entire time they'd been sleeping together—unprotected—he'd also been frequenting sex workers. Nice.Whatever the case, you need to get yourself some answers. Yeah, he'll be angry you snooped, but you should be pissed that he's been lying—especially when he's been doling out so much crap about your male friends. Being in a long-distance relationship is tough, and without open communication and complete honesty, it's not going to work.Regardless of how it goes with this guy, I urge you to put your ex's bad behavior behind you. You can't punish the entire male population for the bad behavior of one guy (maybe two). They're not all cheaters. In fact, many of them are quite nice.dategirl@seattleweekly.com

 
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