The Bartender Knows All: Sex, Tips, and Mixes

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A A A Comments (4) By Maggie Savarino Wednesday, Oct 7 2009

Tender or Mixologist: What's in a Name?

Zela Lobb

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Maggie Savarino's "Ask the Bartender" column runs every Tuesday on Voracious, our food blog.

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This question comes from Lynn:

What is the difference between a bartender and a "mixologist"? Is there schooling involved, or is it like calling yourself a chef?

I'm sorry, but there is no difference to those terms. And yet, like the phrase "customer service representative," the word "mixologist" comes off like a little patch for the ego, methinks, and it annoys the hell out of me.

We find the words that describe us somehow inadequate, wanting our nouns to sound more...important. So we string nouns together in a forest-for-the-trees sort of tactic, or make up new words in the hope that maybe no one will notice we're just a clerk, or a secretary, or, yes, a bartender.

If you work behind a counter with a bunch of bottles of liquor, you are a bartender. You tend bar. Why this is dissatisfying to some, I haven't got a clue. It's a lovely word, actually. "Tend" means to care for and provide. I love this word for the emphasis it places on the customer, because that is by far the most skillful, demanding, and rewarding part of the job. A gardener tends a garden, a shepherd his flock. Bartenders who refuse to call themselves such seem to be placing themselves above the word and therefore above the customer—and that I can't abide. I understand the concept, like denoting the difference between a cook and a chef, but I'm not buying it.

Mixologist describes one who mixes things, with the -ologist implying a reference to some sort of science. Zzzzzzzzz. The word puts the emphasis on the clinical and leaves out the human, making it about the person behind the bar: one who studies mixology. Well, good for him or her. I'd rather have someone more interested in watering a thirsty me.

And "master mixologist"? Unless Yoda runs some bar somewhere I don't know about...I tended bars for 17 years, and I can tell you I wouldn't have the audacity to say that I mastered a goddamn thing. I'm constantly finding new recipes, techniques, and stories, and people still surprise the hell out of me on a daily basis. Master? In other professions, that implies an especially accomplished member of the profession, but oh, brother, I'd feel like a jackass just letting the word out of my mouth. I guess I was just brought up with the idea that you either show that you can walk the walk, or you don't.

Whatever helps them sleep at night, I guess. As for judging a bartender's level of expertise, Lynn, you know an amazing ballet dancer or basketball player when you see one, or an adept musician when you hear one, right? A great bartender is like that. They have grace in their movements and demeanor. They will make you feel engaged and welcome. They make you want to glue yourself to the stool for the rest of the night. That's how it's obvious who's a master and who is not.

Are Coffee Drinks Uncool?

This question comes from John:

I watched a bartender make two coffee nudges for an older couple. He lit the sugar on the rim of the glass on fire and everything. They looked amazing, but I couldn't bring myself to order one. Are coffee drinks cheesy? Are there coffee drinks that are OK to order, like an Irish coffee?

Coffee drinks are all right with me. Coffee is good. Booze is good. And two rights can't make a wrong, John. Besides, what the hell do you think bartenders drink half the time? The Irish coffee is the butchest of the coffee drinks, certainly, but ask how your bartender makes it.

The traditional Irish coffee is just Irish whiskey (some bars add Baileys), a little sugar, coffee, and a float of lightly whipped cream. This is the sign of a good bar to me: The whipping cream should settle on top of the coffee drink, like the head on a beer. Beware of bars that use whipped-cream canisters, as fully whipped cream makes it difficult to get at your spiked coffee and looks ridiculous.

The minute a coffee drink starts looking like a frappuccino or an ice-cream sundae, it's not OK. It's not OK because some drinks are just stupid, you're an adult, and we suffer from enough arrested development in this country that we don't need to let it seep into our adult beverages. The Spanish coffee (Tia Maria and brandy) and coffee nudge (brandy, Kahlua, crème de cacao) walk the line with their fired sugar rims, but stop far short of silly. The presentation is the drink. If a bartender gives off a momentary flash of disappointment or exasperation when you ask for one, it's more likely he's just expressing his frustration about having to stop everything to do the magic trick that is your drink (not acceptable). However, many bartenders, including me, love dropping everything and making cocktail waitresses and customers wait while we get to light stuff on fire.

Don't get wrapped up in coffee drinks with names—drink what you like with your coffee. You can tell the bartender you just want a simple coffee drink. You can just ask for brandy and coffee or dark rum and coffee with a float of cream. Done. In short, drink like an adult, not a child. There should be no question that the glass in front of you contains booze. Ever.