Dear Dategirl,
I’ve known this guy for four years, and the entire time he’s been carrying a torch for me. I like him as a friend, but I’ve been going through a very long drought (two years!), so when I saw him last week—despite the fact that all I wanted was to get my ticket punched, and I knew he was in love with me—I banged him like a big old drum.
It was way more complicated than I imagined it would be. He kept saying the “L” word throughout, which made me want to run screaming. I don’t want to hurt this man, though I know I already have. But I also don’t want to have anything more to do with him in that way. I called him the day after, and basically punted him with extreme prejudice.
Now I feel very guilty about it, being a convent-raised Catholic girl. This man was my friend and I treated him horribly. My best friend called me a “vile creature” for trifling with his feelings in this fashion, and I can’t say I disagree. So am I destined for the fires of hell, or is there any hope for redemption? And what on earth do I do if he shows up again?
—Foul Temptress & Crusher of Men’s Souls
There are worse things than nailing some guy who’s in love with you. For example, nailing some guy who hates you. But yes, you and your magical vagina need to accept the fact that you probably hurt this dude’s feelings. You led him to believe that his years of pining had finally paid off…his nightly prayers had been answered…his dreams had finally come true. And in a way, they did. After all, he got to schtup you.
But who drops the L-bomb the first time they have sex with someone? Did he not get the memo? Way to scare someone off, bub. In his defense, everyone knows “I love you” doesn’t count if it’s said during penetration. Men can and will say anything when they’re inside you—they have no control over it. That’s neither good nor bad, it’s just the way things work.
I agree that dumping him immediately was the correct course of action. If you are absolutely certain you don’t feel for him romantically, you have no other choice. However, you need to quit with the guilt already. That will only lead to sad lunches where he weeps softly and you feel like crap over your sandwich. (And who wants to feel bad while enjoying a delicious sandwich?) Or worse, a pity fuck. Don’t go there. Seriously.
One of the biggest problems I see in people is their inability to accept the fact that in some cases, they’re the bad guy. In this case, it’s you. Big deal. I’m sure he’s been a shit at some point in his life. That’s what people do—they fuck up. Compounding it by feeling bad about yourself isn’t going to change anything. I know all about Catholic damage (I got none of the God, all of the guilt), but you need to make like Black Flag and “Rise Above.” To continue to beat yourself up is not only unseemly, it’s also a giant waste of time. Time that could be spent tracking down men you’re actually interested in seeing naked.
So cut yourself a break. After two years of unwilling celibacy, a woman’s judgment is clouded. You had a willing penis wagging in your face, so you did what any of us would. And on the upside, he got to have presumably hot sex with the woman of his dreams. Though he may ultimately end up heartbroken, he’ll have wank fodder for a good long time.
