Dear Dategirl,I've been married for five years, and I love my wife more than anything.I've been away on a business trip for the past five months, but will be home for good in a little over a week. Throughout our marriage, I've felt like she was not happy in the bedroom. I am a very timid person when it comes to sex, and have had very little experience. I've recently discovered that my wife has had much more experience than I. (I don't have a problem with that, as the past is the past.)We have discussed my unhappiness at the lack of sexual activity/frequency. For years now I've felt that she is just going through the motions, rather than really getting into it. We were talking a few nights ago and she just let loose. She told me that she likes rough sex, and even though she knows I love her, I don't show how much in that way. I'm unsure if she is just realizing this or if she just hasn't wanted to say it. Other than that, I feel we have a great marriage.Since my sexual history is limited, I am not experienced in "rough sex." For me, "rough sex" consists of doing it faster and/or harder. She says she wants the passion—to see and feel it. Believe me, I want to give her that—however, I am unsure how.She assured me that this was our only relationship shortcoming, which makes me feel much better about our marriage. Regardless, this is still a very big unknown for me. I know it should be spontaneous when it happens, but I also need to know what I am doing first. Do you have any advice?—Quiet & Confused
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I know you're looking for a recipe for roughness here, but the responsible thing to advise is that you talk to your wife again and ask her what exactly she means by rough sex, because man-oh-Manischewitz, there are many different degrees.For example, one woman's "spank me" could be another dame's nipple clamps. You don't want to bust out the cat o' nine tails when she was just looking for a quick hickey and a slap on the ass, do you? What it sounds like to me is that she needs more passion. I'm projecting here, but to get her into the mood, she needs to feel like you feel that you might possibly die if your penis spends one more second outside of her. She doesn't want to make sweet gentle love—she wants you to fuck her slow and dirty, or maybe quick and dirty. I have no idea, because I'm not she.One thing you should bear in mind is that if you simply amp up the speed and velocity, you may end up causing both of you a world of pain. Most of us ladies who've been around the block once or twice have experienced the jackhammer fucker, and believe me, these dudes are not looked back upon fondly—or moistly, for that matter.It sounds like your main problem is low self-esteem. You have a woman you love who loves you back; she just wants to have more hot sex and she wants it with you! I recommend you find a good therapist to help you get over the self-loathing crap. Because you're actually in a very good spot—employed and married to a sex-starved hottie—you should try to appreciate it, because there are thousands of people who'd switch places with you in a firstname.lastname@example.org