Dear Dategirl,I recently read a column of yours on TheFrisky.com where you wrote about trusting your gut when it comes to dating. I completely agree, especially when it comes to those possibly dangerous or obnoxious red flags that we sometimes try to explain away. My gut has definitely been right in the past—but having been hurt before, and not really wanting to stumble into another going-nowhere relationship, I've recently been accused of rejecting people too quickly. In other words, if it doesn't click right away, I usually move on. Can you help me figure out the fine line between trusting your gut and keeping an open mind?—Picky or Chicken?
The article you reference was about trusting your gut to steer you clear of any psychopaths you might have considered dating. What you're talking about isn't so much listening to your gut as heeding your vulva. You say "if it doesn't click right away, I usually move on," but what you mean is that "if I'm not slick right away, I'm outta here." In other words: Moisten my panties or hit the highway, bub.What you're looking for is that elusive punched-in-the-stomach/drenched-in-the-nethers feeling you get when you meet someone utterly entrancing. These dudes are inevitably jaw-droppingly hot, and the scent of his man-sweat makes you want to jam your tongue into his armpit. The way he looks at you, it's like his eyes are boring holes into the very core of your being. In short, the kind of guy (wet) dreams are made of.So when you meet a normal dude with normal issues—maybe he's vaguely pear-shaped or listens to Coldplay—you say bye-bye because you're not immediately tempted to latch your ankles behind your ears.Many of my friends believe that if they aren't dripping wet/rock-hard for the guy/girl right off the bat, then that's it—donesville. But because my most long-term relationship was with someone I was friends with first, and not remotely attracted to for ages, I disagree. As I fell in love with this guy, I fell in love with every single part of him—even his rattail (though I will cop to being ecstatic when he chopped it off). So I fully believe you can grow to love a guy with birthin' hips and a Chris Martin fixation. I'm not saying it's easy, but if he's otherwise awesome, why not see what happens?Obviously, chemistry is extremely exciting, but it can also flare up and burn your ass. Without a doubt, you're going to need a certain amount of it with anyone you're planning on sexing, but when that's all there is, it tends to burn out quickly. So when you meet a new person—and men, this goes for you too—ask yourself these questions:• Does he/she seem like someone I could be friends with?• While looking at him/her doesn't cause my vagina to hyperventilate/penis to do the happy dance, can I imagine him/her butt-naked without wanting to vomit?• Does he/she make me laugh?• More importantly, do I make him/her laugh? (A complementary sense of humor is the best indicator of whether or not I'm going to want to be with someone, and far too many men can't handle a funny lady.)• Does he/she possess one or more of my written-in-stone dealbreakers? (i.e., lives with parents, has a drug/booze addiction, is super-religious/not remotely religious, etc.)If they pass this little quiz, maybe you should give them a second chance. A lot of people suck at first dates, and you can't really get to know them until the second or third. I know far too many women who rule out great guys for dumb reasons. Don't be one of firstname.lastname@example.org