This Week's Horoscopes

Leo (July 23–Aug. 22)What you're doing, essentially, is planting a garden and then simply banking on regular rainfall. Unfortunately, the universe isn't exactly on board with your plan. While you'll certainly be graced with a refreshing downpour or two, you can't count on them coming regularly or frequently enough to keep your flowers and veggies alive. You've got to take matters into your own hands, unwind the garden hose, and give your plants a good sprinkle nearly every day, or you'll end up with a vegetable patch full of withered husks. At that point, you might as well not have wasted your time planting anything at all.Virgo (Aug. 23–Sept. 22)If you ate a huge hunk of smelly gorgonzola right before lying down to sleep, would you be particularly surprised if your night was populated by bizarre or disturbing dreams? I'm worried, because in the areas of your chief blind spots (particularly romantic/social relationships), you've lost touch with some of the basics of causality, and are then surprised when your actions lead to their logical conclusions. Think things through. If you really aren't sure what will happen if you say or do something, ask someone who might have a clue—before you say or do it.Libra (Sept. 23–Oct. 22)Right now you can be emotional or you can be sensible, but not both. Will you resist the temptation to react to stressful situations in a hysterical, instinctive way, or will cool-headed logic and reason prevail? While the former may be immediately emotionally gratifying, it's not likely to resolve or improve things—in fact, it's only likely to lead to a long (perhaps endless) series of fiery flare-ups that will, probably, ultimately be much more stress than they're worth. I trust that these circumstances will teach you a lot about yourself—but whether or not it's stuff you'll be pleased to learn, in the long run, has yet to be determined.Scorpio (Oct. 23–Nov. 21)Walking down the street wearing a sandwich board proclaiming "DATE ME" might actually get you a date or three, believe it or not. True, most of the people who'd likely take you up on that offer are people you'd probably rather have nothing to do with, but I'm afraid shunning such a strategy has more to do with your snobbishness and ego rather than its supposed ineffectiveness. Well, which are you more attached to—not being the least bit embarrassed, ever, or ultimately getting what you want, even if getting there is a bit uncomfortable?Sagittarius (Nov. 22–Dec. 21)Some people get a bit of power and it goes straight to their heads, more intoxicating than bubbly champagne. You rarely play the role of petty authoritarian, though. Usually you keep a cool head; you know the true sign of strength is never having to exercise your power. Keep that in mind this week, as you'll have ample opportunity to flex your muscles and throw your weight around, but hardly any legitimate reason to do so. Don't be petty. Instead, make a game of figuring out ways to get things you want without having to do much of anything at all.Capricorn (Dec. 22–Jan. 19)I understand the temptation, when walking by someone's precarious, wobbling house of cards, to knock it down. It's so easy—a breath of wind, a lit match, or an angrily-stomped foot would be enough to send the whole thing crashing to bits. You could tell yourself it's for their own good. That may be so, but seeing as how the thing is going to crumble no matter what, it doesn't need to be you who sends it tumbling. Instead, tiptoe by, so that instead of being the person resented for shattering a dream, you can be the one who comforts the bereaved dream-mourner—and perhaps helps them build something a little more robust the next time around.Aquarius (Jan. 20–Feb. 18)The people we fall in love with are usually those we feel we have a lot in common with, but who still manage to surprise us. If you're trying to get someone to fall in love with you, the trick, of course, is knowing when to emphasize all the ways you're the same and when to celebrate and focus on your fascinating differences. This tricky balancing act applies in virtually any social situation, of course, but walking that wobbly tightrope confidently and well is this week's special challenge—all the more exciting because you're performing it without a safety net. You fall, you splat.Pisces (Feb. 19–March 20)Many imminent parents ask their doctors not to reveal the gender of their unborn child, preferring to be surprised on the day. They simply prepare for either possibility. I understand this kind of willful ignorance, since it potentially adds to life's pleasure and joy. But you've taken it a bit too far. You're refusing to acknowledge or hear much more vital information; the equivalent would be a mother not wanting to know she was pregnant with quintuplets. This is stuff that would be virtually impossible to prepare for without advance knowledge. Open your ears, and your mind, and hear what you need to hear before it sneaks up on you and bites you in the ass.Aries (March 21–April 19)Bragging and trash-talking have gotten you into trouble before, of course, but this may be different. Not only have you agreed to take on something that's already quite difficult—let's say, something like swimming the English Channel—but you've added a layer of complication that would make it quite impossible—like swimming the English Channel while wearing chain mail. I know how much you hate the taste of your words, from the very few times you've been made to eat them, but this time you may want to choke down a couple helpings without sauce, before you're in very cold water way, way over your head.Taurus (April 20–May 20)While you think you'll regret drunkenly dancing atop a table at a party while wearing a lampshade, you probably won't, really, or at least not for long. In my experience, 90% of the regrets that stick with you for more than a week or three are about things you didn't do, not things you did. Go on and make a fool of yourself. Commit to it. Although you might blush or cringe the next morning, those are the times you'll remember most fondly in years to come. That can't be a bad thing. Now, not having supposedly embarrassing moments to remember later—that'd be something worthy of serious regret.Gemini (May 21–June 20)A gas-stove accident completely singes off your eyebrows. What do you do? Draw some on, exactly as before? Pencil in brows that are just ever so slightly more flattering than the ones you had? Or embrace the "alien face" look and just go with it? Really, which option you choose doesn't matter—in a few weeks, after your eyebrows have grown back in, no one will remember the episode anyway. What matters is how you reacted to the problem. Did you celebrate it as another interesting thing that happened to you; did you try to cover it up and pretend it never happened; or did you use it as an opportunity to try to make your life better? The specifics of your choices this week are irrelevant; what they say about you in broader strokes, though, couldn't be more interesting.Cancer (June 21–July 22)Tattooing someone's name on your body, while trashy, is also romantic—which is naturally why so many people do it. The problem is, while tattoos are for life (without expensive laser removal), few relationships actually are. My realism/cynicism shouldn't stop you from making the grand gesture, though—however, consider shifting your perspective about it. In the example I've cited, you could wrap your head around the fact that this person will have literally marked you for life, even if they break up with you in a month or a year. Having a visual record of important chapters of your life isn't a bad thing, for you—though some future partners may have something else to say about it. In other words, do what you were going to do, but don't be so shortsighted about it. The long view will yield more insight, and satisfaction.

 
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