This Week's Horoscopes

Cancer (June 21–July 22)People are moody. You of all people should understand that and cut everyone some slack this week. Whether it's PMS, or because someone else was a bitch to them and they're just paying it forward, or just because they woke up on the wrong side of the bed, try to let it slide. Don't allow it to transform you into a similarly snappish grouch. Rise above it like the sensitive, compassionate, and intuitive angel you are (at least sometimes). And when they offer you an apology in a day or three, please graciously accept it.Leo (July 23–Aug. 22)I went tubing recently with some friends. It was interesting to watch how much or little control everyone chose to exercise. A few paddled frequently to help themselves avoid obstacles downstream, while others were happy to let the river carry them wherever it would, including into rocks or low-hanging tree branches. The lesson here: Everyone got downstream more or less intact and at the same time, and how much they paddled seemed to have no bearing on the bumps, bruises, and scrapes suffered along the way. In other words, although you can exert some influence over your journey, whether or not you arrive at your destination (and in what shape) is mostly out of your hands. Therefore, instead of clinging to some arbitrary illusion of control, only exercise as much as will maximize the fun you have along the way.Virgo (Aug. 23–Sept. 22)Mutts are generally more robust, healthier, and long-lived than their purebred counterparts. Similarly, plant crops with great genetic diversity are better able to resist vagaries of climate and pest infestation than their genetically-modified cousins, which may produce more but are much more fragile—also generally less tasty and nutritious. This isn't an edict to eschew the products of massive multinational seed conglomerates like Monsanto in favor of local heirloom varieties (although, actually, you should). I'm more trying to make the point that in your search for someone who is purely one thing, you may be missing the mark. Someone who's a little bit of everything, and then some, might be a better match for the long haul.Libra (Sept. 23–Oct. 22)While this isn't officially Everyone-Pick-on-Libras week (that comes later this year), it might as well be. You're likely to be the recipient of a ton of unwanted (and mostly negative attention) in the days to come. Don't flip out, or get yourself stuck in some victim mentality ("Everyone hates me and is out to get me!"). This is just temporary, and ironically has less to do with you and more to do with what else people have going on in their lives (or not going on, as the case may be; a lot of nastiness springs directly from sexual frustration). Soar below the radar where you can, and weather out the rest of the flying shit. It'll pass soon.Scorpio (Oct. 23–Nov. 21)When young bull elephants begin to mature, they start to cause problems for the females in their herd. Eventually, the herd's guiding matriarch casts them out. After that, they survive on their own or in the company of other young males in the same situation. Obviously, they are compelled by the hormones and instincts inherent to their species—but are you? You're risking a wonderfully comfortable and secure situation with your questionable behavior. Some people have already been very tolerant and understanding, but their patience has limits. Sooner or later, it'll be too much trouble to put up with that stuff, and they'll stop doing so. Unless you'd rather it be sooner than later, I'd quit that shit, cold turkey.Sagittarius (Nov. 22–Dec. 21)Almost as much of our oil goes into our food as into our cars, because people insist on eating food that was grown or produced far away from where they live. If everyone in America ate just a single meal a week composed entirely of local organic meat and produce, we'd reduce national oil consumption by over a million gallons every week. Small changes can make a big difference, and make you happier and healthier in the process. Remember that this week. There's no need for massive difficult-to-implement overhauls of your entire life; slight course corrections will not only get you where you want to go efficiently, but in a much richer and more enjoyable way.Capricorn (Dec. 22–Jan. 19)There's a vast difference between the sex you read about in a smutty romance novel and what you actually have in real life. Likewise, a sitcom family is not a real family. Trying to compare the two—or worse, recreate fiction in your day-to-day—is just an all-around bad idea. It will only lead to dissatisfaction and misery for all concerned—you because you're disappointed, and everyone else because there's just no way they can live up to your literally unrealistic expectations. Keep fiction where it belongs and learn to see and enjoy real life for all its beautiful, fascinating, and confounding imperfections.Aquarius (Jan. 20–Feb. 18)The worst thing you can do is to try drive someone away by making things unpleasant for them (covertly or openly). I see employers do this to employees and people doing it to lovers they'd like to be rid of. It's pretty much the cruelest way to bring about the outcome you want. Please try to take the kinder, if more difficult approach: being direct and firm. That takes guts, honesty, and a willingness to "be the bad guy." But let's face it—in this particular instance, you are. Own up to it, so you don't have to be the sly villain who plots in secret—instead, you can be the one everyone is at least half-rooting for.Pisces (Feb. 19–March 20)What would you do if I told you there were 11 different ways you could make the person you love most cry out in pure delight, right now, but you only knew less than five of them? Hopefully, if you were a dedicated friend/lover, you would seek to discover at least a few more. Make it your goal to evoke an exclamation of joy from that special someone at least once a week for the next three months, without ever repeating your methods. Why shouldn't you? There's nothing but win in that plan, for all concerned.Aries (March 21–April 19)Some people can't help being ugly on the outside, but no one really needs to be ugly on the inside. Everyone can cultivate qualities people frequently find beautiful, such as compassion, generosity, kindness, humor, and selflessness. That kind of beauty transcends and outlasts the physical kind, anyway. Regardless of how gorgeous your particular bag of skin and hair is, focus intensely this week on cultivating and exemplifying the standards of inner beauty for which you should be best known. If you're relying on your sparkling smile and killer abs to carry you through the world, you're doing it wrong.Taurus (April 20–May 20)Just as you can't fault a tree for extending its branches to better catch the light, you can't blame the humans you know for growing in ways designed to help them get the things they need (or think they need, anyway). Yet that is essentially what you're doing: getting pissed at someone for pursuing their desires, most of which lie outside the realm of conscious thought and well-researched decisions. Stop being so judgmental. Climb down off your high horse, and either help them get what they're reaching for or get the hell out of their way.Gemini (May 21–June 20)You're like a spider who thinks she's got her prey all securely wrapped up in her web; she thinks it has no choice but to sit tight until she's ready for it. To her dismay, she may discover that it was actually only humoring her. As soon as it gets bored, it can easily rip free of her little "trap" and be on its merry way, leaving behind a swath of silken destruction. Get the picture? Don't count on anyone just sticking around and waiting for you. You haven't got that much power and you're not that compelling. Make hanging around worth their while—or they won't.

 
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