Dear Dategirl,
Kirsten Ulve
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Ever since I found out that my husband was cheating on me for most of our three-year marriage, I've needed help getting to sleep. So, along with an antidepressant, my doctor prescribed Ambien. When I first found out about the other women (there were two that I know of), I kicked him out. But he lost his job and I felt sorry for him, so he moved back in two weeks ago. I should add that I missed him and, until three nights ago, was considering reconciliation.
This is where it gets gross. The Ambien used to knock me out immediately, but lately it's been taking longer to work. Three nights ago, my husband wanted to get romantic, but I wasn't feeling it and told him I was going to sleep. He watched me take my pill and when he thought I was asleep, he started having sex with me!
But I wasn't asleep! I was groggy and pretended to be passed out because I didn't want to fight. I know how mad he gets when I say no. There was no foreplay—he went right into the main event. Pushed himself inside me for a couple strokes and then pulled up my panties when he was done. I feel like I was raped! I don't think I want to be married to him anymore. I haven't said anything to him, but I am not taking the pills either. I'd rather be tired than violated.
—Stunned & Sickened
You feel like you were raped because you were raped. Rape is defined as "sex that is committed by physical force, threat of injury, or other duress. A lack of consent can include the victim's inability to say 'no' to intercourse, due to the effects of drugs or alcohol. Rape can occur when the offender and victim have a pre-existing relationship (sometimes called 'date rape'), or even when the offender is the victim's spouse."
S&S, I have heard about a lot of foul, shitty behaviors in the nearly 10 years I've been writing this column, but your husband definitely makes my top five scumbags of all time. Let's break it down, shall we?
• He cheats on you with who knows how many women. Have you been tested for STDs? Please do, because I wouldn't trust this chump to use a condom.
• He's unemployed. So now he's untrustworthy and insolvent.
• He gets angry when you're not in the mood for sex. I know how horny I'd be if I caught my broke-ass husband sticking his sad little sausage into other ladies. How dare you deny him his due!
• He's a rapist.
Upon being turned down for sex, most men would maybe indulge in a little tug and rub. Or they'd just forget about it and go to sleep. What a normal, sane guy wouldn't do is get angry and then slip it into his comatose wife's vagina.
At this point in your relationship, your husband should be busting his ass to make up for having broken your heart by banging other women. When he's not administering foot rubs and/or begging forgiveness, he should be pounding the pavement, looking for work. He should be proving that his infidelities were an aberration and he's ready to be the man you want him to be. He should be going out of his way to prove that he's worthy of both your trust and your love.
Instead, he's raping you in your sleep.
You need to know that what your husband did was not at all acceptable. Gross is one word; criminal is another.
dategirl@seattleweekly.com
