Dear Dategirl,
I've got the typical Friends With Benefits situation happening. I met him through mutual friends about a year or so ago. After a quickie the other day, he said that he thought "it was funny what we have." I responded, "With what? We just hook up? Is that a bad thing?" He said, "No, I mean, I guess I get what I want and you get what you want."
Kirsten Ulve
I took this as him trying to reach out and say he wanted more. So the other night, on our way to his house, I told him that we should hang out without sex. He reminded me that he was going back up to his college in two days, which was true. I'm just getting mixed signals.
There was also an incident at his house—he was talking about what I would do if I got pregnant. He also brought up marriage. I just don't understand where he stands!
—ConfusedThough The Girl of Date is a proponent of casual sex, this friends-with-benefits thing can be fraught with problems, mainly because one of the "friends" inevitably winds up wanting more than just benefits. The longer it lasts, the more likely there are to be issues.
Sadly, because of our biology, it's far more difficult for most women to stay neutral in this situation. Damn you, oxytocin! Oxytocin is the so-called "cuddle chemical" that bonds us to men who get us off. Why are our bodies flooded with this traitorous hormone when we orgasm, yet men's brains only get a thimbleful? So not fair.
You talk a lot about what your FWB might be thinking, but give up very little as to what might be going on inside your noggin. Because you don't say much, I'm going to engage in a little reading-between-the-lines.
You think he might want more than a casual hookup, but isn't that kind of beside the point? What do you want? Do you want him to be the next Mr. Confused? Or are you happy to stay the course? It would appear that you want a real relationship, and are hoping he does too. Meanwhile you're driving yourself crazy trying to decipher what he meant by what he said. The fact is, men aren't as complicated as we ladies talk ourselves into believing they are.
Wondering what you would do in the event that you got knocked up is a very valid question from someone you're banging. I wouldn't presume this means he wants to be your babydaddy—I think he's more worried about being on the hook for child support for the next 18 years if you turn out to be adamantly anti-abortion.
There's also the fact that when you said you wanted to hang out without having sex, he reminded you he had to get back to college in a couple days. Translation: More sexin', less yappin'. So I tend to think he's happy with the status quo. But I could be wrong.
There is one very easy way to find out what he's thinking, though: Ask him. Or, better yet, tell him. Why give him all the power? If you want him to be your man, explain that while you've enjoyed your naked time together, you want to see if you have the potential for something more. Tell him you'll understand if he wants to keep it as is, but you're no longer interested in participating. Maybe he'll be all for it. However, there is every chance he'll freak out and run in the other direction. But if he does, so what? At least you'll know. Believe me, there's no shortage of men willing to put out.
dategirl@seattleweekly.com
