Kirsten Ulve
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Dear Dategirl,
I've been seeing my semi-boyfriend for a month. I like him, except he keeps nagging me to give up the butthole. Considering he just got access to my regular hole three weeks ago, I think he's pushing it. I am not a prude and am not ruling out anal at some point in the future, but I am not ready to go there right now.
He will not let it go, and even tried an "oops" entry during doggie-style. He swore it was an honest mistake, but I don't believe him because a few nights earlier when he was going downtown, he stuck his tongue up there! What can I do to make him back off my ass?
—Annoyed with AssLover
What your man's doing shows a serious lack of respect for your boundaries. It's one thing to ask politely, quite another to "accidentally" try to slide one up the pooper.
I'm guessing your boyfriend is either very young or very stupid. If he's young, you have a chance to set him straight. Meaning you need to sit his ass down and read him the riot act:
a) No means motherfucking NO.
b) Assholes are not self-lubricating (I'm talking about your anus, not your boyfriend). If he doesn't believe this, you can demonstrate on him with a latex-encased fist.
Loads of people—women included—enjoy assplay, but you need to prepare for it. A key element of buttfucking is lubrication—the kind you buy in a tube, not a loogie he spits onto the tip of his knob. Tush tissue is delicate, and believe me, you don't want to rip it.
But your question wasn't about logistics; what you're dealing with is someone who won't take no for an answer, and that doesn't bode well. Tell him to shut his piehole and respect your anal timeline, or he can turn around and let you boot his ass to the curb.
My brother hasn't worked a day all year. He's a freelance illustrator and may end up having to move in with us. Furthermore, my buddy Mike just had to fire his best-friend-since-high-school, and BFSHS promptly tried to strangle him—twice. BFSHS has since moved back to his parents' house in Nebraska. Mike feels like shit, but there's nothing he can do. He's probably going out of business anyway.
Even though my wife and I are still gainfully employed for the foreseeable future, I'm only human; the world is crashing around us and most of my friends are in terrible trouble. How is a guy supposed to get an erection? My sex drive is for shit lately. My wife is still hot, our kids are healthy and happy, and I don't have any medical problems.
I feel like all the time I used to spend thinking about sex is now spent worrying about things I can't control. I really thought Obama was going to change all that.
—Frustrated Friend
I'm writing this reply on Go-Bama's 100th day in office. While I believe he will make this country a better place to live eventually, I wouldn't hold him personally responsible for your flaccid member. The problem with having had a devastating shithead for president for the past eight years is that we've been looking to Obama as some kind of savior. The fact is he's just another dude—albeit a very powerful dude. Can you imagine how much pressure he's under? You have to wonder how often he and Michelle are hitting it.
You owe it to yourself (and your wife) to prevail. It is your patriotic duty to have sex during this trying time. If you fail to fuck, the terrorists will have won.
dategirl@seattleweekly.com
