Kirsten Ulve
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Dear Dategirl:
My best friend recently got engaged. I adore her fiancé and think they are about as perfect as a couple can be, except that ever since she started planning her wedding, she's gone off the deep end.
I'm in a happy relationship, but suddenly my friend keeps asking me when we're going to get engaged. I've told her that I'm not ready for that, but I get the idea she doesn't believe me. We've only been together for six months, and plus I don't even know if I want to get married. I like living alone and seeing my man a few times a week.
She will not let up. She keeps telling me that if I "really" loved my boyfriend, I would want to get married. And that he must not love me because he hasn't given me a ring yet. At first I laughed it off, but now it's on my nerves. My parents don't even bug me about marriage!
She asked me to be her maid of honor and I said yes, but as the wedding gets closer, she just gets crazier. The kicker is that she told me she's fixing me up with the best man, so I shouldn't bring my boyfriend to her wedding!
I just got this news via e-mail today, and I'm too furious to answer coherently. I haven't told my boyfriend, because I know his feelings would be hurt; he really likes both her and the fiancé. I would understand if she couldn't invite my BF because of finances, but that is not the case. What do I say to this crazy woman?!
—Maid of Horror
You poor, poor girl...just another innocent bystander sucked into the Vortex of Tulle. My condolences. I don't know what it is about weddings that make certain women go koo-koo, but as a thousand bad reality shows attest, your friend is far from the only bride gone bonkers.
Incredibly, there are plenty o' people (women, mostly) who fully believe that unless you are attached at the hip to someone with a penis, you are somehow waddling along, doomed to last place in the human race. For them, your accomplishments don't matter—you could win a Pulitzer, an Oscar, and the Lotto, but nothing will ever be as important as that missing band of gold. I mean, look at Jennifer Aniston. While she's not my cup of hotness, she is a bazillionaire and arguably one good-looking dame. Yet somehow all you ever hear about is her sad single life. Being an unmarried lady of a certain age, I field this crap too. And as much as I try not to let it bug me, I'm only human(ish).
There is a certain amount of leeway you should give a woman caught up in nuptial nuttiness. However, your friend has gone way beyond passive-aggressive hints questioning your boyfriend's feelings because he hasn't been suckered into spending two months' salary on some gaudy blood diamond; now she's actively trying to fuck with your relationship.
Do you ever watch Intervention? (God, I love that show.) Your pal might not be blowing her bankroll at bingo or shooting speed between her toes, but this bitch needs to be set straight. Surely you can't be the only friend or relation she's turning slappy with her 24/7 wedding chatter and smug judgments. Imagine what her fiancé is dealing with! I suggest you gather all injured parties around a big bowl of Jordan almonds and discuss what needs to be said.
Then lure her over with the promise of a cake-tasting or bridesmaids'-scrapbooking event, and confront her with the evidence of what she has become. That horrifying Bridezillas show that seems to be on constant WE-channel rotation would be a great source of visual aids for your intervention.
If she has even a shred of sanity left, she'll realize the error of her ways.
Be warned, though—excessive consumption of bridal magazines can render even a formerly sensible gal completely nutso. In that case, politely insist that while you're happy to don the chartreuse taffeta atrocity she's selected, you're bringing your own date. And that's final.
dategirl@seattleweekly.com
