Dear Dategirl,
I have always trusted my husband implicitly. We've been married for 10 years, and were together about five years before that. He's the only person I have ever made love to. When I have a problem, he's the first person I tell. If something good happens, he hears that first too. He is without a doubt my very best friend.
But it seems like a switch flipped recently. He started exhibiting textbook behaviors of a man having an affair—working late, dressing better, and being secretive with his cell phone. He's never been fat, but lately he's very picky about what he eats and spends most of the weekend at the gym, whereas before we used to spend that time together. We used to have an active sex life, but he hasn't touched me in over a month. When I try to initiate sex, he turns away, claiming he's too tired or not in the mood.
Because we are so close, I had no qualms about asking him if there was someone else. He was furious (inappropriately so, I felt) and stormed out of the house after telling me what a horrible person I must be to dream up something so preposterous.
This is not my husband! He never used to raise his voice to me—we fought, but always kept it civil. Now I feel like he's a stranger. Do I just walk away, or stay and fight? How do I find out what's going on? Do you think he's having an affair?
—ReneeIf I were to judge solely by what you've written, yes, it certainly does sound like he's having an affair. Sure, there are a few possible innocent explanations, but the fact that he refused to talk about it and then blew up at you is a serious red flag. Along with the other couple dozen crimson banners he's been waving.
Since he's not willing to spill, you have two choices. One, continue living with that gnawing feeling in your gut. Pretend nothing has changed and push any of your doubts aside because you want to believe he's still the great guy you married.
Your second choice is the wiser one, but a whole lot scarier: Start checking up on him. Snoop. Investigate. There's no nice way to finesse it, but he's not acting very nicely either, is he?
The first thing you should do is check his cell-phone records. If it's not a work phone, this won't be too hard. You can see if any odd numbers keep popping up. If it's a work phone or for some reason you can't get access to his records, try to get a look at the phone itself. Read any texts and check the call history.
If he uses the home computer, try to check his e-mail. Most people use fairly predictable passwords—I helped a friend bust her cheating husband by guessing his Adult Friend Finder password: their daughter's name. If you can't figure out his passwords, get a piece of software known as a keylogger. It'll show you everywhere he goes and what passwords he uses to get there. You might also want to hide a voice-activated digital recorder in his car.
I know a lot of people will call this an invasion of privacy (because it is), but you have every right to know what's going on in your own marriage, and he's not talking. If you discover the worst, gather all your evidence—copy phone records, forward yourself incriminating e-mails, etc.—and put it somewhere safe, like with a friend or a lawyer or in a safe-deposit box. Then sit him down and calmly tell him what you've discovered. Prepare for him to deny all, but if you have enough proof you can quickly shoot this down.
Once the truth is out, you'll have a better idea if your marriage is worth saving.
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Snowguy 04/01/2009 7:44:33 AM
Okay, since no one else is dishing out the tough, unpleasant stuff, I will. Yeah, I know the letter writer asked about invading hubby's privacy, but I have some additional thoughts on her future beyond that activity. (1) Don't invade any part of his life you are not going to throw open to him at the same time you invade. All your email accounts? Give him full and complete access without redaction (except work emails). Going to follow him? Make sure you keep a complete log of your activities to share. Checking cell phone records? Ante up yours. Etc. Your invasion is not any less a violation by doing this, but at least you offer the same transparency you now seek. And if you have something to hide--say, an expensive shoe hobby, a guy you don't screw but are actually too close to emotionally (c'mon, ladies, you think we aren't aware of that "spare" guy you keep in the trunk, in case your primary relationship flattens?), etc.--time to 'fess up on that too. (2) After you find out he is cheating, but before you go all "diary of mad black woman's revenge fantasy" on him (eye roll), honestly ask yourself: Did you give him cause to look for it elsewhere? I'm not saying it is okay for him to do so without permission. Full stop. BUT if you packed on 60 pounds of "comfort weight", got boring in bed (yes, ladies, *boring*), unilaterally quit your high-paying job to "discover yourself"/raise kids (i.e., let him work, while you live), started riding his @ss about things rather than treating him like an equal, etc., you might realize something my guy buddies often bitch about: YOU CHANGED!!!!!! Heck, he might even have tried to reach out and address a really serious change in *your* behavior (the ones above qualify), and you ignored his attempts. That is usually the gal's repsonse, because she typically likes the new way of things, as she is the one who made it that way. Realizing his spouse will not revert back, rather than fight about something he cannot control, maybe hubby went out a found someone who still put out the effort to keep his interest. I am not saying that is the case here. Nor am I saying he is in the clear if that is the case. But don't get all "how could he do this to me!" unless you are willing to put on your big girl dress too and acknowledge some role in the matter if, in fact, you do have some role in the matter. More generally, regarding the whole "no-other-nookie-til-death-do-us-part", some people find it shocking, I know, to hear that marriage does not guaranty a person will forever find you exciting, interesting and compatible. We have no such guaranty. And if you decide you want to be a different person than the one they married, well, you should prepare yourself if they, in response, begin looking for alternatives.