Dear Dategirl,
I have always trusted my husband implicitly. We've been married for 10 years, and were together about five years before that. He's the only person I have ever made love to. When I have a problem, he's the first person I tell. If something good happens, he hears that first too. He is without a doubt my very best friend.
Kirsten Ulve
But it seems like a switch flipped recently. He started exhibiting textbook behaviors of a man having an affair—working late, dressing better, and being secretive with his cell phone. He's never been fat, but lately he's very picky about what he eats and spends most of the weekend at the gym, whereas before we used to spend that time together. We used to have an active sex life, but he hasn't touched me in over a month. When I try to initiate sex, he turns away, claiming he's too tired or not in the mood.
Because we are so close, I had no qualms about asking him if there was someone else. He was furious (inappropriately so, I felt) and stormed out of the house after telling me what a horrible person I must be to dream up something so preposterous.
This is not my husband! He never used to raise his voice to me—we fought, but always kept it civil. Now I feel like he's a stranger. Do I just walk away, or stay and fight? How do I find out what's going on? Do you think he's having an affair?
—ReneeIf I were to judge solely by what you've written, yes, it certainly does sound like he's having an affair. Sure, there are a few possible innocent explanations, but the fact that he refused to talk about it and then blew up at you is a serious red flag. Along with the other couple dozen crimson banners he's been waving.
Since he's not willing to spill, you have two choices. One, continue living with that gnawing feeling in your gut. Pretend nothing has changed and push any of your doubts aside because you want to believe he's still the great guy you married.
Your second choice is the wiser one, but a whole lot scarier: Start checking up on him. Snoop. Investigate. There's no nice way to finesse it, but he's not acting very nicely either, is he?
The first thing you should do is check his cell-phone records. If it's not a work phone, this won't be too hard. You can see if any odd numbers keep popping up. If it's a work phone or for some reason you can't get access to his records, try to get a look at the phone itself. Read any texts and check the call history.
If he uses the home computer, try to check his e-mail. Most people use fairly predictable passwords—I helped a friend bust her cheating husband by guessing his Adult Friend Finder password: their daughter's name. If you can't figure out his passwords, get a piece of software known as a keylogger. It'll show you everywhere he goes and what passwords he uses to get there. You might also want to hide a voice-activated digital recorder in his car.
I know a lot of people will call this an invasion of privacy (because it is), but you have every right to know what's going on in your own marriage, and he's not talking. If you discover the worst, gather all your evidence—copy phone records, forward yourself incriminating e-mails, etc.—and put it somewhere safe, like with a friend or a lawyer or in a safe-deposit box. Then sit him down and calmly tell him what you've discovered. Prepare for him to deny all, but if you have enough proof you can quickly shoot this down.
Once the truth is out, you'll have a better idea if your marriage is worth saving.
dategirl@seattleweekly.com
