Am I Too Big for Love?

Dear Dategirl,I'm a big guy and I've had to be careful with everything my entire life. I've always been gentle with women. I've never done aggressive fucking—y'know, squeaking beds, bouncing stationary cars, having stuff fall off shelves. Now I'm 40 years old, and I'm wondering if it's too late for me to get with someone who can handle all of my bigness.—Gentle Ben

My boyfriend is 6'5" and wears a size 13 shoe, so I know secondhand what life is like for you. Whereas air travel is unpleasant for most people, it's downright torturous for those of you with legs as long as a city block. Going out to bars isn't much fun either, is it? I've noticed how much crap my big guy takes from little drunk guys with Napoleonic chips on their shoulders. What's my mostly gentle giant supposed to do when a leprechaun-sized madman starts talking smack and jabbing him in the rib cage? Punch him? That'd be murder! Gentle Ben, you know what I'm talking about.However, as hard as it is being larger than life, it's way more difficult being a peewee. Especially if you're a dude. Women tend to be attracted to big guys because they have that whole caveman/he'll-bring-me-buffalo-meat vibe going for them. Tall women also have a hard time because they're often unwilling to go smaller, and even if they do, it takes a big short man to date a lady who can reach the top shelf without a ladder.But back to you—there's no need for you to tiptoe through life just because you're a big dude. Instead of skulking around and slumping, stand tall and proud. Find a lady you like, but make sure she's not some petite little nymph who'll snap in two. Meet strong chicks at the gym, big girls at the coffee shop, tough girls at the roller derby. There are even Web sites devoted to the extra-large—check out TallPersonals.com or TallFriends.com, or just use traditional sites and seek out the ladies six feet and over. Believe me, they'll be happy to meet someone they can look up to.Right now I am so wishing I had someone here who would put a dildo up my ass and pee on me. I'm fun, good-looking, and 49.—Bruce K

OMG, I was totes thinking just the same thing. But instead of a dildo up my butt and a face full of urine, I settled for a peanut-butter-and-jelly sandwich and yet another episode of Millionaire Matchmaker. Have you watched that show? It truly makes Los Angeles look like another world. None of the ladies have the boobies nature provided, and all of the men have those overly-groomed eyebrows that I find so unnerving. And let's not even get started on the fake tans.I'm really not certain why you sent me this note—were you hoping I'd come over and pee on you? Or maybe hook you up with someone who would? There are certainly more efficient ways to find people willing to perform such acts, Craigslist being the most obvious. I found a 52-year-old guy in the Puget Sound area with desires very similar to yours: "I'm looking for a group of ladies who would love to circle me and do their golden desires. Shower me with your appreciation. I would love to pleasure you as each bends over, spreading and receiving my oralizing attentions."This dude has the right idea, casting his net far and wide. He wants a whole group! Similarly, in downtown Seattle, a 58-year-old who calls himself "Scat Man" says "I just want to shit on some girls' chests. You would preferably be 20-30, skinny, with fake boobs. If you want me to piss on you or cum on your faces, that might be negotiable. If you are looking to get satisfied, I have a prescription for Viagra."Though I have my doubts that either of these ads resulted in success for the gents who placed them, they for sure chose a more sensible route than you did, my friend.dategirl@seattleweekly.com

 
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