Stop Boning Married Women, Dude

Dear Dategirl, Lately I've been nailing a woman who's married to a rich old guy who travels all the time. She complains that she feels like he keeps her around as a trophy wife and that their relationship is a dud—emotionally, intellectually, and sexually. But the two of us have a blast, in every way imaginable. Still, she has two small children, and I don't want our relationship to become anything more than the no-frills bonefest it currently is. I just came out of a serious relationship, so this surface-level arrangement is perfect for me right now. But lately she's been wanting to spend the night, and it's getting to the point where prohibiting her from doing so damn near requires me to throw her clothes out the window and lock the door when she leaves. What to do? (Besides the obvious answer, "Don't fuck around with married women"—I'm not letting you off the hook that easy, Jude.)—The Cheyenne Bonesmith

I hate when letter-writers rule out the best possible answer right from the jump. Because of course you shouldn't be boning married women! However, if you are—and I'm in no way condoning this behavior—you certainly don't pick someone whose husband travels all the time. Because the whole point of porking the unavailable is that they're unavailable. They go home to sleep and have dinner with the kids. When they're around all the time, it's just like dating a single person, but with more baggage—two kids' worth, in this case. But we'll get to them in a minute. I think we can both agree that there's only one way this is going to end, and that is ugh-lee. However, you have three choices for getting there: 1) She'll show up at your house at 1 a.m. (possibly drunk) with a garbage bag full of her belongings and one or more children in tow. While she's sobbing and dramatically professing her love for you, her kids will be busy getting their sticky little-kid cooties all over your Wii and fighting over the controller. Still half asleep (and a little drunk yourself), you're trying to absorb what she's saying as a toddler punches you in the left nut after you grab the controller out of his hand. She's confessed all to her husband, who promptly tossed her ass out. She and the kids can just stay with you for a couple days until she gets things sorted out. You don't mind, do you? Do you??? 2) In this scenario it's her allegedly older, out-of-shape husband who shows up at your door. Only he's not that old, nor is he remotely out-of-shape—not that it matters, because he's carrying a bat. Which he doesn't hesitate to use across your knees and/or your windshield. Once he's destroyed your kneecaps and your ride, depending on what state you live in, you can count on being called to testify during divorce proceedings. Or maybe he'll put some of his money to work by making your life miserable. Perhaps a "concerned" call to your landlord or boss. Maybe a "ding" to your credit report. Whatever his revenge, count on it being painful. 3) Or, finally, you wise up and decide that while this woman is very fun to lick sweaty Nutella off, you are going to do the sane thing and end this before you end up crippled, financially ruined, or—perhaps worst of all—forced into step-parenting. And speaking of children—though they're not yours and you've probably (hopefully!) never met them, think about what all this drama will do to them. No doubt this woman is eventually going to fuck up their little lives royally (because she's obviously lying to them on some level, and where the hell are they on the nights she begs to sleep over?), but do you really want to be part of that? I didn't think so. dategirl@seattleweekly.com

 
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