Santa Claus Conquers the Martians

Ah, yes, the yuletide season brings us Pia Zadora the way she was always meant to be—stilted, seventh-billed, and in green make-up. Future camp icon Zadora has a small part as Girmar, one of two distracted tots from Mars who concern father Kimar by "sitting in front of the video set all day watching those ridiculous Earth programs." What else is a loving parent to do but kidnap St. Nick? Huh? This 1964 holiday dud is so random and numbingly inept it's guaranteed to bore the bejeezus out of children who aren't already put off by its unintentional creepiness. (The older actors, all clearly in a professional Hell, don't convey much mirth.) Adults so inclined, however, can savor choice dialogue gut-busters delivered with the grimmest sincerity. Our favorite: Kimar, unable to get Zadora and Martian brother to go to bed, tells his wife, "I had to use the sleep spray on them again." (NR) STEVE WIECKING
Tue., Dec. 16, 7 p.m., 2008