KIRSTEN ULVE
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Dear Dategirl,
I've been dating Jenny, a tall, buxom 38-year-old woman, for about eight months. We get along great, but I have kept my fetish for her feet a secret. I am afraid to introduce it, mostly because I'm afraid she'll think I'm some kind of freak. In particular, I have a desire for her to stand on my chest with her bare feet. I would like her to trample me this way for a while and then, after she steps off my chest, I would like her to sit in a chair and place her feet on my face as I lay on the floor. Do you have any suggestions on how I could introduce this topic?
—Tap Dance on My Face
I'm sitting here with my friend Debra pondering your question. She's splayed out on the sofa, high on Percocet because she had her gall bladder removed yesterday. I read her your question and she started sputtering, clutching her gut. "Why doesn't he just ask her?" she scowled, motioning for her glass of water. "What kind of prude is he that he thinks that's weird?"
OK, so Debra might not be in a helpful mood, but she has a point. Why not just ask your girlfriend? So you want to be stepped on—that's not such a big deal. I mean, there was pee play in Sex and the City, fer chrissakes. I'm a little uptight, but I'd rather step on a guy than take a whiz on him.
Besides, kinky sex is all the rage these days. In a recent interview, a friend of Amy Winehouse described her sexual relationship with husband Blake Fielder-Civil thusly: "Whenever Blake said he wanted three-in-a-bed, Amy would fix it. And the pair of them were into some real kinky stuff, not just the usual bondage and sex games, but really gross stuff you couldn't mention in a newspaper." Really? What kind of gross stuff? Felching? Coprophagy? Surely a little footplay between friends is more innocent than bondage, don't you think?
A few years ago I interviewed a woman who rented out her feet by the hour. She never had sex with these dudes because that wasn't at all what they were interested in. For a price, she'd step on them, wearing sky-high heels and some lingerie. She'd dig her pointy heels into their scrotums, stand balanced on their chests, or just let them slobber all over her neatly pedicured toenails. The pointier and more painful the stilettos, the more her clients adored her. You don't even require a girl to wear heels! If you ask me, you sound pretty easy.
These men were just guys like you, who would rather pay a few hundred an hour to feel up a stranger's foot than ask their girlfriend or wife to indulge them. Or maybe they asked and were shunned. But you'll never know until you ask.
Keep the conversation light and don't do it while you're in bed. Give her a glass of wine or a bong hit, and tell her there's something that you're into that's out of the mainstream and you'd like to discuss it. A guy did this to me once, and about a million things raced through my mind before he told me. Turned out he wanted his nipples played with. (Doesn't everyone do that anyway?) She'll probably be relieved when she hears, because it's seriously not a very big deal.
If she says yes, you're golden, but remember that this probably isn't going to arouse her—so you're still going to have do what she likes as well. Of course there's a slight chance she'll say no, get all huffy, and call you a freak. In that case, bullet dodged: She's an uptight bitch who doesn't deserve you. The payback will come weeks later when her friends ask why that great guy disappeared. When she tells them she blew you off because you've got a little foot thing happening, they'll laugh at her for being such a tight-ass.
dategirl@seattleweekly.com
