For those of you who don't know Palmer and Alaska's Mat-Su region in general, what we have here are a bunch of huge towns, mostly each with about 7,000 people in 'em, that really like hockey, huntin', and drinkin' until 5 in the mornin', which is when all the bars are supposed to close (they reopen at 6), a right inscribed in the Alaskan constitution —which is to be held above all other constitutions, includin' the doggone U.S. constitution—that I successfully fought to preserve as mayor of Wasilla once Todd and I got married, grew up, and had kids.
People drive real big trucks out of necessity. Trucks are needed to drive through thick snow and haul gas and game, all hallmarks of the Mat-Su lifestyle. Higher education is considered for many, includin' Todd, to be an afterthought. But not to me: My dad was a teacher, so not goin' to college was never an option. In fact, I was so excited to go to college that I ended up goin' to five of 'em to really get out and see this great big world we live in, a world which I will soon be first-in-line to lead.
adam turman
Details
—
Slideshow: The 8 Other University of Idaho Grads Consididered for the GOP's VP Nomination
Related Content
More About
Eventually, I returned to Moscow for a second time, where I stuck to it and got my bachelor's degree in journalism. Because of my love for the media—not the media elite, mind you, but the sort of media favored by my clique of hockey moms, the Elite 6 (isn't that name ironic? Dontcha think? Shout out to Alanis! Willow loves you!)—I asked the tough questions then, and I ask the tough questions now. But I never ask the tough questions of myself, because questionin' myself would mean that I'm not certain I can do the vice president job. And I am certain. So I don't question myself. Ever. Not even on simple things, like whether to use cloth or disposable diapers for Trig, or whether to buy Todd and the girls chicken instead of steak at the grocery store on busy weekdays when we don't have time to kill our own food. It's Huggies and T-Bones for the Palins. Always has been, always will.
Before I conclude, I'd just like to say God bless Seattle Weekly for providin' me with this opportunity to talk directly to you, the votin' readers. It's surprisin' that a paper run by alcoholic Communists would respectfully and deferentially allow a Christian conservative like myself to provide voters with the sort of unfiltered straight talk that's just so much better than objective reportin', but maybe they were taken with my hard-to-reconcile love of Six-Pack Stalin. I don't know, I just have a way of winnin' people over, I guess, even my opponents, like Joe Biden, who doesn't drink six-packs, but instead drinks real expensive chardonnay (that most average Americans can't afford or don't know where to buy), even after playin' pickup squash in the Congressional gym before he catches the midnight train to Wilmington. Or so I'm told.
In closin', I'd like to say that I think average Americans can relate to spreadin' the college experience out over five years and five schools, whereas they can also relate to Todd's experience of not completin' college and settlin' for a lucrative career in the fuel industry. You want experience, America? I've got more experience than any other candidate—ever—in terms of the number of colleges gone to before gettin' that hard-earned degree. It's like comparison shoppin': You have to shop around before you know where you're gonna get the best bang for your buck. And doggone it if I didn't get my money's worth. You will too, America.
