The Education of Sarah Palin

Editor's Note: After numerous requests for Alaska Governor Sarah Palin's college transcripts were met with either silence or bewilderment, the Weekly agreed to let the Republican vice-presidential nominee author an "unfiltered" essay detailing the five years she spent at five colleges in three different states before earning a bachelor's degree in journalism from the University of Idaho in 1987. Per terms of the Weekly's "straight talk" agreement with Governor Palin's handlers, this article has not been edited for spelling, grammar, length, or general coherence.

The year was 1984, and I could see Moscow from my dorm. Reagan was just gettin' elected to his second term as President, the Russians were bein' stared down by Ronnie, and it was mornin' in Idaho, that's for doggone sure. The drinkin' age was 19, I could jog to Pullman to meet boys, or the boys from Pullman could get in their trucks and drive to Moscow to drink and meet me. Mostly it was the latter, and it was lotsa fun. But I still missed Todd—when I wasn't drinkin' with the boys from Wazzu, anyhoo.

Moscow was a thrivin' international city at the time, full of hard-workin' folks like my pop and mom, Chuck and Sally, who once owned a tavern in West Seattle that they named after themselves. Moscow had a library, some churches, some parks, and even three non-white folks who spoke in tongues, just like at church back home. And, of course, the girls' basketball team was mostly lesbians. Playin' pickup with these lesbians and showerin' with 'em after made me think of Todd less, and also made me appreciate that their choice to be lesbians wasn't a bad one in their eyes, even if it was bad in the eyes of God. And I'm not one to play God, unless we're talkin' about the End of Days and the United States military's obligation to root out the infidels. When it comes to this, I don't blink, and neither does the Almighty.

My first quarter at the University of Idaho, which is in the heart of Moscow, I started slow on purpose, takin' only Archery and Comparative Religion for courses. I got an A-plus in Archery. How could I not? As a girl, nary a week went by when I didn't fell a caribou in the woods. I loved playin' Robin Hood back when I was young, except I pretended Robin was a girl. Robin is just as common a name for a girl as it is for a boy, y'know?

As for the comparin' of religions, it was tough, because I didn't think any religion really compared to my religion, which is the best religion in the universe. When a Jewish boy in class stated that he believed Jesus was just another really cool guy, I invited him out for supper and told him that I knew of a group on campus called Jews for Jesus, and that he should join. After lotsa pitchers of beer at John's Alley, he said that he saw Jesus in me. Coincidentally, the Jew I was talkin' to's name was Jesus too—y'know, like the Mexican Jesuses. Until then, I didn't know they had Jews in Mexico.

Durin' winter quarter, I took a class that would end up shapin' my worldview as a PTA member, small-town mayor, governor, and later as John McCain's maverick pick for vice president. The class was Eastern European History, where I learned about the Crimean War and a Russian leader named Joe "Six-Pack" Stalin, who held an office there that was only a little more powerful than the office I will be sworn into come January. Then if somethin' terrible happens to President McCain, I'll be President. And while I was probably raised as more of a Joe Six-Pack than the original Stalin—rhymes with Palin!— I'll never forget how he inspired me every mornin' at 10:10 a.m. in Jefferson Hall. (To be honest, if there was a fraternity mixer the night before, that was a tough class to make.)

The Crimean War pitted the Russians against the French, Brits, and some Italians. Right off the bat, this didn't seem fair to me, at least in sportin' terms. Then again, if the French, British, and Italians were to take the best players from their teams and play the Russian team in the 2016 Chicago Olympics, the Russians would probably still win—in hoops or in hockey, doesn't matter.

The war started because Napoleon wanted to be recognized as the sole authority in the Holy Land, which of course includes the entire planet, because we are all children of God. Russia didn't like this, and so eventually a war started over the Holy Land and what not. The first thing that struck me about this conflict is that it obviously had to do with religion. Doesn't everything? Some things never change, y'know.

But did y'know that the guy who invented dynamite also invented the Nobel Peace Prize? That guy was Alfred Nobel, and his dad, Immanuel—who helped the Russians during the Crimean War—was way into gunpowder, just like I've always been. I don't remember who won the Crimean War, but the lesson I took from it is if the guy who invented dynamite can also invent the peace prize, then war is peace. This was a lesson Six-Pack Stalin apparently learned too, both through his domestic policy of ethnic and political cleansin', and later when he stared into Hitler's eyes and saw the letters N-A-Z-I.