This Week's Horoscopes

Scorpio (Oct. 23–Nov. 21) A friend of mine was robbed the day before she moved. All her stuff was packed into convenient boxes for the thieves to load up and haul off. What shits! I can't help but wonder if this was their plan all along, or just excellent luck. Nevertheless, there is something essentially Scorpionic about such a move, in the sheer brilliant maliciousness of the timing. One thing you guys rock at is picking the "perfect" moment to make your move. Evil-minded Scorpios wreak havoc with their impeccable timing; enlightened ones create miracles. Which role will you play this week? Sagittarius (Nov. 22–Dec. 21) Humor will take you further than anger ever could. People are more likely to change their minds if you make them laugh than if you try to make them pissed off, or care. This is the key to getting them to pay attention and consider behaving differently. Forget the lame ineffectiveness of earnest entreaties; they'll just make you cynical and bitter. Embrace instead hilarious, clever satire. Even if it's no more successful than the heartfelt pleas, at least you'll have fun putting the word out. Your wit will carry you further than you thought possible. Use it. Capricorn (Dec. 22–Jan. 19) You knew ages ago whom you wanted on your side. Unfortunately, picking "your team" in advance doesn't mean you'll get them. You may be able to bring some of the people you want on board, but definitely not all of them, and probably not even most of them. Now's the time to demonstrate versatility and flexibility. Consider this an opportunity. Soaring in adverse conditions is far more impressive than flying high in clear blue skies. Making this less-than-ideal situation a phenomenal success is the perfect demonstration of how amazingly badass you are. Even though nothing's going exactly right, in retrospect you'll likely decide things couldn't have gone better. Aquarius (Jan. 20–Feb. 18) Names have tremendous power. Many ancient traditions put great stock in names. How much does your name represent you or empower you—or limit you? Being a Rockefeller, for instance, might open many doors, but it would also make people view you much differently than they would if you were part of the Jones family. There are ways your name boxes you in, and also ways it lets you shine. Since you're on a path to see yourself as clearly as possible, without filters, understanding how this can change the way people see you is vitally important. Focus on figuring it out this week. Pisces (Feb. 19–March 20) Whenever a certain Pisces friend of mine is paralyzed by fear or indecision, he vividly imagines the worst-case scenario (usually "we all might die") and makes himself OK with that. Once he's gotten that out of the way, he's able to act with absolute freedom, knowing he's already embraced total disaster as an acceptable outcome. Because I see you often screwing things up because of self-doubt and fear, may I suggest embracing this strategy? If you're OK with catastrophe before you even begin, you'll be free to truly do your best—and consequently achieve far better results. Aries (March 21–April 19) When something starts taking up too much mental real estate, it's usually because you're not exploring it properly, you're in denial, or you're limiting yourself. Sometimes there are great reasons for not "going there," but sometimes you're just needlessly cockblocking yourself out of principle or outdated ideals more than anything else. Turn your attention to your internal roadblocks. You're spending far too much energy and time climbing over or around them, or simply being stopped by them, when just a tiny bit of effort could get rid of them for good, or at least for the foreseeable future. Taurus (April 20–May 20) You've been busy trying to manifest abundance. However, I'm not sure if you actually want to end up there. Being a kid in a candy store with pockets full of money is fun for about 15 minutes, until you get yourself into trouble and make yourself ill. I don't know, but instead of trying to manifest a reality with more than you could ever use or enjoy, perhaps focus instead on one in which you're thrilled with what you have and don't need much more. It's not only more achievable right now, it's much healthier, too. Gemini (May 21–June 20) I admire your ability to nearly always put a positive spin on things. Most of the Geminis I know are optimists—not the annoying kind who ignore reality, but rather the ones able to be realistically positive. Looking at the bright side even of dismal situations is one of your specialties. In case you hadn't noticed, we need that even more than usual right now. Most of the people spewing hope are talking out of their asses, and we don't need more bullshit. We need reasoned, thoughtful reasons to dream. Don't hold out on us now. Cancer (June 21–July 22) Just because you've suffered a string of disappointments in the recent past, don't make the mistake of considering that some kind of trend. Expect more of the same, and you'll get exactly that. However, the reality is that this series of letdowns was more a coincidence than anything else. Your luck could change later today, for all you know. Of course, if you're determined to keep telling yourself a story about what a hard-luck case you are, how bad you have it, and so on, the story will be only too willing to oblige you by carrying on indefinitely. Tell yourself a different, more hopeful tale; even if it doesn't feel "true" yet, it soon will. Leo (July 23–Aug. 22) Personally, I'm bored with your strings of excuses. "I can't get in shape until I join a gym" is followed by "I need a personal trainer" and "I need a better diet." All this might be true, but they're also just excuses. The truth is, you could get in shape just riding your bike around the neighborhood. Throw in a batch of situps and pushups in your living room, and you're all set. All that business about the gym, the trainer, and the diet are really just obstacles you're putting between you and what you want because you're lazy and reluctant to actually put in the work to get the job done. But recognizing your laziness is only the first step. The second, of course, is overcoming it. Can you? This week you have better than average odds. Virgo (Aug. 23–Sept. 22) No one can possibly fairly accuse you of shying away from change. In fact, every time it's become apparent that it's time to switch things up, I've seen you embrace it (even if you were also stressed out by it). That's commendable, and far better than getting stuck in a rut. However, sometimes that translates into jumping the gun—essentially throwing yourself into a new situation before you've really gotten all there is to get out of the old one. That might be the case here. Just because a new door has opened doesn't mean you ought to fling yourself through it. Before you do, take a good look around and make sure you've seen and done everything in your current scene that you could possibly want to see and do. If not, you might just be better off sticking it out here and seeing what happens. Libra (Sept. 23–Oct. 22) I frequently watch hapless parents suffer under the tyranny of their children. I don't presume to know their situations, but I can't help thinking that they are doing both themselves and their kids a disservice by forgetting their role as guardians and guides. Throughout our lives, we're forced to rethink our relationships with other people and redefine ourselves accordingly. That's what's happening to you now. Ignore what your ego is telling you. Mostly disregard what you're reading and hearing out there. The truth is, you already know the "right" thing to do in most situations, if you just give yourself a chance to think about it. Give yourself that chance, then do that thing.

 
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