Dear Dategirl,
I started a friends-with-benefits relationship a few years back with a guy I’d known for a while. He always had girlfriends when we hooked up, and I knew it. (I never had a boyfriend, not that that makes me lily-white here.) Everything was going fine, until I went and fell for him—hard. I never let on, because I basically knew he didn’t have the same feelings for me—if he had, we would’ve progressed past FWB status, right? Well, last year he tells me he’s met someone new and wants to “straighten up and fly right.” He said he was tired of me being his “dirty little secret,” and just wanted to go back to being friends. I tried to tell him how I felt, but he gave me the “I love you as a friend” line. I was totally humiliated and devastated. So he moved in with the girl—down the street from me, no less—and we’re trying to have a friendship, though I’ll admit it’s rough. Then the other day he showed up wanting to jump in the sack again. Needless to say, I was pissed—if it were anyone else, I’d kick them out of my life completely. But we had a good friendship before we were FWB, and I’d like to get back to that. At this point, is it even possible, or am I just being delusional? And does this all sound as pathetic as I think it does?
Miss Dirty Little Secret
I’ve got news for you, sister: This guy is not your friend. A friend wants you to be happy. A friend does not bust a move while he’s shacked up with someone else. I mean, he didn’t come over and confess his undying love. He came over and tried to get his dick wet, fully knowing that doing so would make you feel like crap.
I know that when you’ve got your head up your own ass (and believe me, I’ve been there), it’s easy to imagine that you and he have some sort of cosmic connection. But the fact is, while you might be besotted with him, the only connection he feels is at the base of his dick. So yes, you did the right thing sending him on his way. I hope you consider tipping off his girlfriend. She deserves to know what she’s up against, and, more important, this dude so doesn’t deserve to get laid by anybody anywhere.
Here’s the problem with the FWB thing: It always seems like a good idea at the time, but biology makes it difficult for most of us ladies to keep sport-fucking the same guy for very long. See, when we get off, a flood of oxytocin is released, which feels great but also bonds us to the person responsible for the warm, fuzzy, screamy, toe-curling feeling. Naturally, we girls let loose with like a gallon of this shit while men emit a pinky nail’s worth or so. So we end up getting attached to these dudes, whereas they can just walk away without a second thought.
So there we are, getting inappropriately attached to this guy we’re just supposed to be schtupping, while he feels nothing except for what’s just drained out his pecker. It’s not an ideal situation for a sensitive lady.
Did I mention that this guy sounds like a complete tool? (Yes, you shouldn’t bang other broads’ men, but it sounds like you’ve wised up on that front, so I’ll drop it. Just please don’t do it again, OK?) Though it was definitely not nice of you to fuck someone else’s boyfriend, he’s the one who’s lying to the woman he’s ostensibly in love with. Do I really need to point out that if he cheated with you, odds are he’d cheat on you if you ever did get more seriously involved? Probably not, but I’m a woman of many words.
