This Week's Horoscopes

Virgo (Aug. 23–Sept. 22)

If I go a day without caffeine, I get a terrible headache. This "harmless" addiction definitely has me in its grip. It's hard to view something as innocuous as a cup of coffee as a tremendous handicap, but that might just be the case. I'm somewhat incapacitated without it. There's something in your life that looks an awful lot like this. You're a mess if you don't get it, but you don't regard it as a problem because it's not traditionally something people consider problematic (as opposed to a heroin addiction, which might raise a few more red flags). Take a second look at it. Does the pleasure of that cup of coffee really outweigh the negative impact of not having it? It may just be time to eliminate its hold on you altogether.

Libra (Sept. 23–Oct. 22)

Don't let your fear of confrontation make things worse for you or anyone else involved. Like it or not, your weirdly comfortable position straddling the fence didn't work out this time, and you ended up tumbling down on one side of things. Don't pretend you're still up there, seeing both sides equally. You've got to go ahead and speak your new truth, from down here in the trenches, from your bias, from the side you chose, like it or not. Doing otherwise is not only unfair, it's dishonest. Besides, there's a reason you fell in with this side of things and not the other. Spend this week trying to figure out what it is.

Scorpio (Oct. 23–Nov. 21)

Consider a stinging spree. You've got the itch to go around and stir up some shit. It's for the greater good, perhaps. Sometimes a little pain is the only way we can break through to something better, more enlightened, more understanding, more compassionate. However, I would argue that you have so much of this life-enriching (but painful) venom stored up that to deliver it all to one person might be too much. It's kind of harsh. Instead I would consider giving small doses to everyone you know. It seems a little weird, but think about it this way: How could a little pain, delivered by you, make someone's life a whole lot better?

Sagittarius (Nov. 22–Dec. 21)

You're so good at calming drama queens that you often end up surrounded by them. I know it's tiring to have to keep putting out fires, but don't burn out now. Imagine what would happen if you just threw up your hands and said, "That's it, I'm out." Disaster! If you do think you need to extricate yourself from the situation, back out slowly. That alone will probably also elicit more drama, but you'll end up at least avoiding the total, devastating (and much more histrionic) collapse that would happen if you made a dramatic exit yourself.

Capricorn (Dec. 22–Jan. 19)

Right now you're a plump, juicy summer peach. You're amazingly delicious and wonderful. But if someone doesn't take a bite right away, you could very well go soft and past your prime. You won't be nearly so delicious a month from now if all you do is languish on the branch. Rest assured that there are many, many people who'd be delighted to take a bite of you, so to speak. They just may not know it's an option. Clue them in. It'd be a shame for people to miss out on what you have to offer just because you were too shy.

Aquarius (Jan. 20–Feb. 18)

There's no rush, so stop pushing so hard. Your impatience to get to where you want to go is threatening to capsize the whole ship, and your frantic paddling isn't directed enough to be effective anyway. I understand your frustration with other people, who are too slow to pick up the oars and choose a direction, but in this case goading them or scolding them won't do anything but cause further delays. You've got to chill out and bite your tongue. That's bound to be extremely difficult, I know—but it doesn't change the fact that it's this week's test. Failing it will only cause more delays—and sore feelings, to boot.

Pisces (Feb. 19–March 20)

Don't freak out if things don't play out the way you expected. Remember, whenever you're able to roll with surprises like these, you end up much happier overall. Usually things turn out better than what you imagined in the first place. For that reason, try not to be too attached to one particular outcome. Have faith that whatever happens will turn out to be the best possible scenario for you, even if its positive aspects aren't yet obvious. When you can look back on this time, you'll see just why it worked out the way it did.

Aries (March 21–April 19)

Dogs live in the moment. They have memories, of course—they'll remember if someone hits them or gives them something good to eat. But I doubt they dwell on those memories or let them affect their behavior if that person isn't standing right in front of them. Can you be more canine this week? I'm worried that you'll let memories of totally different people negatively influence your reactions to new people coming into your life. It's not fair to judge or mistrust them based on what has happened to you before. Try to forget those things ever happened, and give these guys the blank slate they deserve.