This Week's Horoscopes

Cancer (June 21–July 22) What started out as an exercise in flexibility may end up somewhere surprising. While playing devil's advocate, you might come around to the point you're making and take on that viewpoint for real. While play-flirting with someone, you could discover you're actually attracted to them. This is what play is for, after all—it's a chance to experiment with angles and attitudes that might not initially seem serious, but could turn out to fit you better than you ever imagined. Don't be afraid to play, this week or any week. It's the only thing likely to get you to where you really ought to go. Leo (July 23–Aug. 22) It's weird the way your behavior sometimes changes when you want someone to like you. Oddly, many Leos actually become less appealing when they shift into this mode. (This naturally ends up giving you the impression that you're incredibly unlucky in love, which isn't actually the case.) Keep being your somewhat abrasive, bossy, generous, and hyperconfident self! It's real, and it's the person any potential lover or friend would ultimately have to be cool with and into. Pretending you're quieter, gentler, or shyer than you are simply can't accomplish anything particularly good. Please don't bother. Virgo (Aug. 23–Sept. 22) What you're up to is like browsing garage sales in the late afternoon. All the good stuff has been snatched up already, but if you're open-minded and flexible enough, this is when you're likely to find the best deals. The sellers are eager to unload their crap, and you could pick up a fixer-upper at an amazing bargain. If you really had your heart set on one thing, you should have shown up in the morning while they were still setting up. That moment has passed now, and your best bet is to let your imagination run free, and see what you can create out of what's still available. Libra (Sept. 23–Oct. 22) Some guy near Milwaukee came up with the insanely perverse and shortsighted idea of skipping out on bills by faking heart attacks. He got out of a bunch of cab bills, restaurant bills, and so on this way before he was finally exposed. Now he's likely to go to prison. Clearly this fellow hadn't thought through his plan very well, and I wonder how the hassle of an ambulance ride to the hospital seemed like a better deal than just shelling out $25 for dinner. I'm worried that your own scales are similarly (although, I hope, not so extremely) out of whack, probably because of your emotional investment in the situation. Get them retuned before you start making choices like Mr. I'm Having Chest Pains. How? Check in with your sanest and most cynical friend. They'll set you straight. Scorpio (Oct. 23–Nov. 21) When I was in school, I resented having to waste time and energy on skills and subjects that had absolutely no relevance for me, like perfecting my handwriting or learning trigonometry. It made the whole school experience lose credibility for me, because even my teachers couldn't explain or justify why we needed to be good at that stuff. Your credibility's in question, too, as you seem fixated on points as academic and largely irrelevant as, say, learning Latin. Correct your course. Make sure that the hoops you're asking people to jump through are worth the effort they'll have to make. Sagittarius (Nov. 22–Dec. 21) Everyone thinks they're a natural at sex, but almost no one is. Of course, it's possible to improve on your own, with experience, practice, and feedback, but for those not quite sensitive or imaginative enough, sex schools might be the answer. Workshops and classes are popping up everywhere, teaching people how to stimulate their partner(s), talk dirty, or even kiss. I think it'd be great to be able to point those who really need it in the right direction. You're likely to be asked to go learn something you think you already know this week. Instead of being resentful, give whoever's asking you the benefit of the doubt, and go anyway. Capricorn (Dec. 22–Jan. 19) Everyone has vices. With your willpower and determination, you could ditch yours—if you chose to. What's missing is a reason. After all, you can handle them, and even though you know you're not necessarily making the healthiest choices 100% of the time, what you're up to isn't all that bad in the grand scheme of things. Unless someone could point to something amazing you're missing out on because of the choices you make, you're not likely to unlearn those "bad" habits anytime soon. However, if you ask someone you know to give you good reason to move on this week, they will. Aquarius (Jan. 20–Feb. 18) I know you're reluctant to take control of the situation, as you've already got a lot on your plate, but this week it's likely to become apparent that you have to anyway. Without your intervention, it will either fall apart entirely or end up a disaster. I know it's frustrating not to have people you can rely on in this case, but don't let the principle of the thing keep you from doing what you have to to make it come off a success. You can go ahead and tear people apart (or quietly find replacements) afterwards. For now, make this shit happen. Pisces (Feb. 19–March 20) When forced to sing for your supper, you can usually deliver. Even though you dread like the plague being put on the spot, you nearly always come through when it actually happens. Perhaps it's time to become less fearful of this, and stop doing your best to avoid any situation where it might occur? We can both agree it's less than ideal. However, can you see that sometimes, despite that, it leads to amazing opportunities and adventures (and yes, sometimes just a hassle)? It's worth going there in any case, whenever you can stand to, especially right now. Aries (March 21–April 19) You are so impetuous and flexible that a lot of people get the impression that you're also fickle and flaky. While some Aries are indeed those things, most are actually quite loyal and steadfast, if easily distracted in the moment. Ultimately your ideal partner will be entertained and inspired by these rapid shifts and not disturbed by them, and they'll trust you enough to know you'll be back by their side before they've even had a chance to miss you. If whomever you're currently hanging with can't do that, it's a good week to decide whether they just need time to get there, or if they never really will. Once you know that, you'll also know what to do next. Taurus (April 20–May 20) One of my favorite columnists says that every relationship fails until one doesn't. This simple truth can keep people from telling themselves the story that they suck at relationships and will never have one that works. While it's useful to look at yourself (because you really might suck at relationships), it's not useful to believe that you'll never get into a more-or-less healthy, happy relationship—that can all too easily become a self-fulfilling prophecy. Look at yourself critically, and be the best person you can be, but this week be sure you're not actually being too harsh or sabotaging yourself. Remember this: Your own self-judgments and sabotage are much more likely to hold you back than your actual flaws. Gemini (May 21–June 20) Don't paint meanness as a virtue. Sure, you might get a laugh now and again if your nastiness is clever enough, but if you can't see the virtue of avoiding hurting people when you can, there's something wrong. It's very easy for those with sly wit to develop a habit of subtly or blatantly putting down others just to get a laugh or artificially elevate themselves. What's even worse is when they mock people who are obviously wounded by it. While most Geminis I've known are generally sweet and generous people, I've met a few who make a practice of verbally demolishing everyone in sight. I don't know if they end up unhappy and alone, but a part of me hopes so. Please make sure you're not one of them.

 
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