How to Throw a House Party, According to Seattle’s Biggest Sports Franchises

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More About

• Seattle Mariners
• Oklahoma City Thunder
• Jose Vidro
• Soulja Boy
• Miller Lite

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June brings many reasons to celebrate: the beginning of summer, the end of the school year, and, if we're lucky, designated hitter Jose Vidro's fourth home run of the season. Today we take a look at what our city's three largest franchises can show us about getting down. As you'll see, it takes more than just $6 bottles of Miller Lite and "Crank That (Soulja Boy)" to really get a party hopping.

How to throw a house party, Mariners style:

• Pre-funk with Kool-Aid; say "this will be the best party ever!"

• Buy cases of Busch for $40 each, call it Pyramid.

• Compose guest list of dudes who were hard partiers a long time ago.

• Enforce strict no-girl-on-girl kissing policy.

• Blame guests for not partying hard enough.

• Drink O'Doul's, proclaim self drunk.

• Send the bill to Nintendo.

• Retract the roof!

How to throw a house party, Sonics style:

• Guest of honor not old enough to drink.

• Threaten to move party to Oklahoma City.

• Don't advertise party.

• When nobody shows up, use that as excuse to try to move party to Oklahoma City.

• Exchange e-mails with other party planners, proclaim self "possessed" by idea of moving party to Oklahoma City.

• File lawsuit to move party to Oklahoma City.

• Watch Doogie Howser reruns, make Sam Presti repeat Doogie's lines.

How to throw a house party, Seahawks style:

• Get Paul Allen to sponsor party (bonus points if you can ride the SLUT there).

• Obtain public funding for venue with acoustic design to maximize noise.

• Keg stands with Blitz!

• Hire Mike Holmgren as DJ (he already has the headphones). He will pull aside those leaving the dance floor and exhort them to "leave it all on the f---ing floor!"

• Watch lots of film.

• Be competent; become default party when Sonics' and Mariners' parties suck.