This Week's Horoscopes

Gemini (May 21–June 20) Tie up those loose ends, fast. You've been a terrible procrastinator, and now that buttload of unfinished projects, unanswered e-mails and voicemails, and all the other crap you haven't gotten around to has become an incredible weight hanging over your head. Luckily, you could potentially take care of every last thing this week, if you're really disciplined and determined. Wouldn't that feel great? Of course, you could also just keep waiting. You won't have to wait long, at least—all that stuff is due to drop like a ton of bricks very, very soon, and then you can spend the next month or two cleaning up the mess. Cancer (June 21–July 22) Be an elephant. This isn't a crack about your weight. I'm talking about patience. Elephants' gestation cycle is 22 months. That's right, Mama Pachyderm is carrying that fat baby for almost two years. Sometimes giving birth to something great takes a really long time. What you've got inside you now is exactly that: It's brilliant, life-changing, and wonderful. Accordingly, it can't be rushed. Trying to force it into the world before it's ready will just mess it up. This isn't a mandate to be lazy and unproductive, though. To the contrary; you have a lot to set up to make conditions perfect for your little baby once it arrives. Get to work. Leo (July 23–Aug. 22) Bring a cat home, and unless she has reason to think otherwise (like a bigger, meaner cat who already lives there), she'll soon be convinced that she's the queen of all she can see. The same can go for Leos. Whether you're the bossy, loud type or not, you tend to move in and put yourself in charge in as many ways as possible, given the circumstances. This is no exception. However, there might be a fearsome kitty lurking beneath the bed, waiting to pounce once you make your move. Fortunately, this fellow can be made your ally. Before you crown yourself king or queen, find the royalty you'd be deposing and make friends. Virgo (Aug. 23–Sept. 22) You're incredibly competitive, perhaps more so than almost any other sign; you're just better at hiding at it than they are. A Leo or an Aries wouldn't bother pretending they weren't out to win, and win big, but they're not as clever as you are. If people don't know you're competing, there's no shame if it doesn't work out with you on top. As far as they know, you weren't even trying to be on top. However, sometimes you have to sacrifice that subtlety and just go all out to have any chance at all. That's the case this week. Get in there with those bloodthirsty fire signs and give them a run for their money. At this point, it's anybody's game. Libra (Sept. 23–Oct. 22) Because you like everything to be nice and neat and balanced, you have an unconscious tendency to put things (and people) in boxes. These categories help you weigh everything out and keep things tidy. Of course, as you know, life is much messier than this, and everything and everyone has a tendency to spill out of whatever box you put them in. If you insist on trying to bring balance to your life in this way, it's time to at least come up with a new "filing system," one that more effectively accounts for the complexity and contradictions inherent in every person instead of expecting them to consistently embody just one thing. Or, you could do away with these definitions altogether. Just a thought. Scorpio (Oct. 23–Nov. 21) The pull to move backwards will wax stronger than ever this week. Nostalgia, fear, and habit will be tugging you to take steps in reverse rather than continuing onward in the direction you've been following for months. Resist that urge! This is just the tide pulling out to gather more strength for an even stronger forward push. Don't go with it, or you'll be swept out to sea, and lost for a long time. You have a goal in mind, and it's been more or less the right place for you to go so far. You can always change course once you get there, if you still want to. Just don't let these negative forces keep you from arriving at your destination in the first place. Sagittarius (Nov. 22–Dec. 21) Break down your journey into smaller steps. It may usually be best to keep your eye on your most ambitious destination, but at the moment that's just likely to overwhelm and dishearten you. Don't forget where you're ultimately headed, but set a bunch of short-term goals for yourself, to keep from getting discouraged and giving up. You need that validation and sense of accomplishment to make it for the long haul. Go ahead and celebrate when you reach points A, B, and C, even if they're still a long way off from point Z. That's what'll get you to the finish line. Capricorn (Dec. 22–Jan. 19) Try not to have too much contempt for humanity. Yes, by and large people are lazier, dumber, and more weak-willed than you are. Do your best not to despise them. Your hubris is probably your worst quality, and while it's okay to not admire someone for being criminally indolent and deliberately ignorant, hating them for those things does no one good, least of all you. Dig deep and stir up some compassion and generosity, and exercise them, even for people who may not "deserve" it. They do, and you deserve to be the one who gives it to them. Trust me on this. Aquarius (Jan. 20–Feb. 18) What are your secret habits? For instance, I used to like to close up all the windows and the doors of my apartment (so as not to disturb the neighbors), crank up the music, and sing at the top of my lungs. Once, I would have been mortified to do this in front of anybody, but at some point I let go of my embarrassment and trusted people not to hate me when I sang off key. It feels good to just put it all out there, and to find out people aren't as judgmental as you imagine they'll be. Open up the windows and air out one of your secret habits this week. You might not get acclaim and applause, but people aren't about to start throwing rocks and rotten vegetables, either. Pisces (Feb. 19–March 20) Get someone to crack the whip. You desperately want to get this shit done, but you absolutely suck at keeping yourself to the pace that's required here. That means partially handing over the responsibility for your motivation to someone else, someone you trust, whom you can't ignore, and who will work you hard. Make sure it's someone you value enough to bite your tongue when you want to snap at them. You don't want to do that. You may hate them along the way, but you'll probably thank them when they get you to where you want to go. Aries (March 21–April 19) When trying to get in shape and lose weight, most people's bodies fluctuate, as does their discipline. Given enough time and enough determination, there will be a steady decline in body fat and increase in muscle tone, but if you look at a daily chart you'll see lots of spikes and dips. This is normal for any kind of change, including the mental habits you're trying to put into place. Steady progress is indeed desirable, but don't be too discouraged or disheartened by tiny setbacks. They're part of the path. Don't let them keep you from pursuing it all the way to its conclusion. Taurus (April 20–May 20) Don't get too attached to results, in this case. What you're about to try is hardly a done deal. It's certainly worth trying, and the worst thing that can happen is it'll be a flop. The best-case scenario is of course a lot better than that. Give it a chance to happen without getting too emotionally invested. A "wait-and-see" attitude will take you a long way right now, focusing on success. Epic failure is still quite possible, but as long as you're not desperately crushed by such an outcome, there's no reason not to give this a go.

 
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