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Dear Mexican,
Whenever I see the television show COPS, the white folks pull over and hope no one searches anything, where there are at least three syringes, one crack pipe, and enough pills to make CVS Pharmacy look like a corner drugstore. The black folks are being pulled over for just leaving the scene of a domestic dispute where they've been reported for slapping the bitch and kicking her new man in the crotch, regardless of the fact they have been separated, divorced, and placed on restraining order at least TWICE in the last two years. But why is it that every time a cop tries to pull over a Mexican for a bad taillight or some other minor infraction, it turns into a high-speed chase, until all the tires are shot out and the wheels fall off, and then the Mexicans bail out and try to outrun the German shepherd? Couldn't they for once just pull over and take a ticket? I mean, the police are not the Border Patrol, and the police dogs are not, like, chihuahuas.
Gringo out in the Suburbs
Dear Gabacho,
COPS is hardly as credible a source in documenting the Mexican criminal mente as, say, Dora the Explorer. Not only do I rarely see high-speed chases involving Mexicans in the FOX program, but stats are also not kept pertaining to ethnicity and police pursuits. What bean-counters do know, however, is that foreign-born Mexican men are less prone to visit the slammer than your local Minuteman Project chapter will have you believe. A 2006 study led by University of California, Irvine professor Rubén G. Rumbaut found only 0.7 percent of Mexican-born males in the United States were incarcerated, a figure more than twice as small as the 1.71 percent amount for gabachos. But not all is right in Aztlán: Rumbaut's findings also revealed that 5.9 percent of U.S.-born wabs are in the pokey. Why? Billions have been spent researching that question, so the Mexican won't bother with his thoughts except to add it ain't something inherently criminal in the Mexican soul—again, look at the jail rates for Mexican immigrants. Sorry for the downer ending, but if you want jokes to accompany unfunny Mexican pathologies, go yuck at Carlos Mencia.
Why do the Mexicans hate the word "wetback" or mojado? I grew up fighting all the time because my jefita from El Paso told me to never let any gabacho call me a wetback. But as I got into high school, I learned that you can really piss off a gaba by not affirming his racist comments. Whenever they would call me a wetback, I'd just touch my back and tell the pendejos, "Hey, my back isn't wet." Thus they would walk away so red that they looked like a walking pimple ready to bust.
From a Fan, Ese
Dear Wab,
Gracias for your inspiring tale, Ese. If all Mexicans had the same wit and gumption as you, we'd be able to retake the American Southwest with ease. As it stands, our zygotes will have to keep doing the trabajo.
garellano@seattleweekly.com
