Dear Dategirl,

This is probably going to sound strange, but I can’t seem to find the words to say to break up with my girlfriend. We’ve lived together for about four years, dated five, and our relationship is basically dead. We have sex maybe twice a month and seem barely attracted to each other anymore. Our communication is crap, but I surmise that she’s satisfied enough as to not want to look for someone else. I, on the other hand, have only had two real relationships in my life (I’m 30 and was a “late bloomer”), so I really need to meet other people before I feel like my life is over and my options are extinguished (i.e., I want to fuck other people before I die).

I’ve been wanting to end it for more than a year, but when I try to do it, I feel nauseous and can’t. I’m sure I sound like a pathetic wimp, but I really need help. What is the best/worst way you could imagine being broken up with?

David

Hmmm. The absolute best way I can ever imagine being dumped by my long-term, live-in boyfriend is if he sat me down and told me that I was far too beautiful, smart, and wonderful for him and therefore he was setting me free to find someone worthy. He would then hand me a suitcase full of cash, the keys to his car, and that T-shirt of his that always looked way better on me anyway. And then—just as my eyes were filling with tears and my lower lip beginning to tremble—a bolt of lightning would shoot through an open window and zap him right in the noggin.

In this scenario, I’d be the beneficiary on his life insurance policy, so I would inherit thousands of dollars. Nobody else would know I’d just been dumped, so I would get to take two weeks off work with pay. The anger at being kicked to the curb would start to kick in at his wake, so in keeping with the Irish tradition of being wildly inappropriate while mourning, I’d take his handsome younger brother into the closet and do him slow and dirty. Then I’d discretely tuck the spoogey condom into the casket as a little farewell, wipe away my crocodile tears, make my goodbyes, and cab it to the airport.

The worst way would be to walk in on him pulling a threesome with my best friend and sister.

So, if you’re hell-bent on ditching your girlfriend, do it kindly and do it quickly. I’m not going to try to talk you into trying to salvage things (P.S., next time get some couples counseling or at least try talking before it gets to this point), because it sounds like you’ve already made your decision.

I am of the opinion that the dumper (unless he or she has been goaded into doing the dirty work) takes the financial hit. Meaning that unless she wants to go, you are the one to move. If she wants to move, you pay for movers. Don’t quibble over material possessions. If the sofa is that important to her, buy yourself a new one. You’re breaking her heart; giving up the Joy Division box set is a small price to pay for that.

You need to accept the fact that you’re going to hurt her feelings. There will most likely be tears and probably a lot of yelling. Remember that you’ve had more than a year to come to terms with this—for her, this is all new information. Don’t tell her all the ways she is lacking, don’t share that you’ve been wanting to break up with her for a year, and for chrissakes, if you want to keep your testicles intact, don’t mention the part about wanting to fuck other girls. Tell her it’s not working for you and you feel you’d both be happier if you separate. And whatever you do, don’t fuck her.

Judy McGuire is the author of How Not to Date. Dating dilemmas? Write Dategirl at dategirl@seattleweekly.com or c/o Seattle Weekly, 1008 Western Ave., Ste. 300, Seattle, WA 98104.