7. Even the diehards begin to despair. To endure the Indians' awfulness, play-by-play announcer Harry Doyle takes to drinking during broadcasts. Calabro and Jones do the same:
On account of the broadcast team's bizarre and offensive remarks, Fox Sports Northwest has to increase the duration of its broadcast delay. FCC regulations being what they are, the few remaining viewers (mostly kids and old folks) are treated to long stretches of silence.
Jason Raish
DeVito, Walton, Wayne, Goodman, and Martin: all part of the Supes’ cinematic ensemble.
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This story has changed to correct Howard Schultz's position with Starbucks. He is the company's chairman, not founder.
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8. The youngster uses his bad-boy stylings to pick up women at the bar. In Major League, Rick "Wild Thing" Vaughn leans against a jukebox, sleeveless shirt showing off his guns 'n' tats, jagged lines shaved into his hair like notches on the proverbial belt. As the jukebox plays his song, a young woman approaches him and seductively whispers its lyrics: "Wild Thing, you make my heart sing." Meanwhile...
It's a moderately crowded Tuesday night at Ozzie's on Lower Queen Anne, and Robert "Wild Bobby Ginger" Swift has just slipped an Abe Lincoln in the jukebox so he can go old school and floss to R. Kelly's 12 Play in its entirety. He's approached by a flirty UW senior who's on the rebound and tired of the Greek scene. "Is that an assault rifle?" she asks, lightly tracing the tattoo on his arm with her finger.
Swift holds her gaze, coolly tosses his ponytail off his shoulder with a sideward jerk of his head that could be interpreted to mean "meet me in my Escalade," and gives her half a smirk.
9. An aging star's vanity jeopardizes the team's success. In Major League, Roger Dorn fails to field a ninth-inning grounder, fearing that a bad hop might lead to bruising or worse for his handsome face. In the SuperSonic sequel...
Wally Szczerbiak and his family have taken an All-Star break trip to Miami Beach. It's early morning, and Wally's off for a workout, sporting spandex and a low-cut tank top reminiscent of the one worn by Wesley Snipes in White Men Can't Jump. As he Rollerblades down the promenade, he realizes he overgelled: The greasy mixture of sweat and hair product has begun to drip into his eyes and cloud his vision. Thusly impaired, he doesn't notice an empty soda bottle ahead of him. It sends him sprawling into a nearby palm tree, making first contact with his right shoulder. His face contorted in indignation, his palms turned upward in disgust, he immediately looks around for a referee to complain to.
10. The turning point occurs when the team receives an inspiring locker-room talk. The Indians are hovering around .500 when manager Lou Brown gathers his players and tells them that Phelps signed them because she thought they were surefire losers. Determined to prove her wrong and, in the words of Taylor, "win this whole fuckin' thing," the team begins its unlikely pennant run. In our movie...
The Sonics' first game after the All-Star break is against the Utah Jazz. Kevin Durant faces Andrei Kirilenko, who dominated him in their previous meeting. But Durant got an unexpected pep talk via a 1 a.m. drunk dial from Shawn Kemp, who regaled him with tales of the mid-'90s Sonics defeats of the Stockton-and-Malone Jazz squads.
Duly inspired, the rookie plays with a tigerlike ferocity from the tip, icing the game with a 10-point fourth quarter, which a besotted Snapper misses, having passed out at the end of the third. Calabro attempts to match Durant's sense of the moment by doing both his own commentary and Snapper's, in Snapper's voice. The end product is a slurred mass of incoherence, with only his catchphrases ("Flying chickens in the barnyard!") discernible to the naked ear. With the delayed feed being monitored and edited by the Fox Sports Northwest production team, the home-viewing audience hears virtually none of it.
After the game, Snapper comes to and stumbles into the locker room, where he mistakes Robert Swift for Bill Walton. "What happened, Bill?" he asks the red-headed big man.
"We won, Snapper," replies Swift.
Snapper then climbs unsteadily atop a folding chair and delivers a speech, gaining passion and coherence before reaching the following crescendo: "Your fans aren't showing up...your owner hates you...and you feel like you're bringin' a knife to a gunfight 'cause Walton's always hurt." Swift hangs his head. "But listen here: You sonsabitches got heart...so when you need an extra something, you dig deep." He pauses to belch, realizes it's vomit, and quickly swallows it, grimacing at the sour taste. "You dig down deep and go out there...and win one for the Snapper!"
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Damon Agnos writes about the Sonics for SW's Buzzer Beater blog (seattleweekly.com/buzzerbeater).
