KIRSTEN ULVE
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Dear Dategirl,
I am a guy in my early 20s, and I work with a great boss. She gives honest feedback and is supportive and encouraging, even when I get stuck.
She's easy to talk to and socialize with—I view her as a friend, a big sister, and a great mentor. The problem is that I also have romantic feelings for her. That kind of relationship is out of the question because she is married with kids. Every day I try to brush against her innocuously while pretending to not notice. She doesn't seem to notice, which is good, but when I sit next to her, I have to stop myself from giving her a kiss. I don't know how long I can resist these temptations, so I have considered coming clean with her and quitting. But I really don't want to throw away her friendship and mentorship. I don't know what to do! Will this blow over? I hope the romantic feelings do, but I am afraid that they won't.
In the Tempest of Affections
OK, the whole "brushing up against her" thing? Gross. I can pretty much guarantee that she's noticed your lame attempts at dry-humping and is probably right now trying to figure out how to call you on it. If she were a little more assertive, you'd be fired already.
Of course, there's always the off chance that she's getting some kind of sad thrill from your furtive creepy touches, but whichever the case, quit it. Seriously. It's skeevy. Not to mention wildly inappropriate and—in most places of business—a cannable offense.
While you say a romantic relationship is out of the question, I don't think you really believe that. Let's look at what would happen if you did manage to lure this lady away from her husband....
I'll set the stage: She's hovering over you, breasts grazing your shoulder, as she coyly corrects the typo you left on the report that was thisclose to being sent out to the client. You detect a minty fresh aroma emanating from her warm breath on your ear as you try to ignore the leftover bit of baby sick on her sleeve.
You turn your head a little too quickly to the right and your lips collide. You both jump back as though shocked, but then quickly fall together into the most fanfreakingtastic kiss either of you have ever had. She strides over to the door and slams it shut. Your hands cup her breasts as hers slide down around your ass. With one tug she pulls off your Mariners tee and tosses it aside like a Wet-Nap at a barbecue. You're two buttons away from removing her sensible blouse when the door flies open and two toddlers, followed by a very large, handsome man, come hurtling in.
"Mama!" the little girl squeals, as she runs into her mother's arms.
At first all her husband does is stare. As you're pulling your T-shirt back on, he lifts you up by your belt and proceeds to beat the living hell out of you. Once you're good and bloodied, he informs you that he's leaving and you can have her. Both kids are screaming their faces off as he walks out the door, more snot coming out of their little noses than you've ever dreamed possible. There are boogers everywhere, and if you could lift yourself off the floor, you'd show them where the tissues are, but you're pretty sure you have a concussion, so you lay there and moan softly instead.
Meanwhile your boss' boss comes in and fires her for screwing around with a subordinate. You're allowed to keep your job, but only because they're afraid you'll sue for sexual harassment.
Your new girlfriend and her kids have no place to go, so naturally they'll be bunking with you. Are you ready to be an insta-dad? How are you going to support everyone on your entry-level salary? Being dirt poor and raising someone else's kids is so romantic, right? Believe me, your fantasy is far better than the reality could ever be.
Get over it.
Dating dilemmas? Write Dategirl at dategirl@seattleweekly.com or c/o Seattle Weekly, 1008 Western Ave., Ste. 300, Seattle, WA 98104.
